God I Hope My Kid Does Real Drugs

No, I don't want my child to do any drugs. I want them to play the clarinet, join the math club and graduate from high school a pristine virgin.

But if they must, oh let them do real drugs. Mommy doesn't want people to stare and whisper when she walks into the PTA meeting:
"Her son Carl...he huffs gas."
"I heard her daughter Linda is blind from too much Duster. You know, that stuff in a can that you spray on your keyboard at work to get all the Taco Bell crumbs out? Such a shame."

Yeah, don't do that to me Carl and Linda. Haven't I given you everything?? You lived inside me, for Christ's sake, like I was a goddamned studio apartment and this is the thanks I get?

Go to your room. Mommy can't look at you right now.

Crazy Girls Get All the Ass

It has come to my attention that I've been lied to since puberty. See, what you don't know, fellas, is that in addition to being told e can still go swimming when we have our period, we are also told that we must work hard not to be crazy. It's not blatant, you know. It's disguised as medical jargon.
"You're going to experience a lot of hormones during that time of the month."

What the fuck is a hormone? Oooooh it's something unseen that insights rage and terror to all those in my path. Right.
"Just remember...it's hormones and this is all perfectly natural."

Translation: Stop acting like a fucking maniac or no one will take you to prom.

This was ALL a lie. Crazy girls get so much ass. How many times have you thought to yourself, "That girl is fucking crazy" as she's walking down the aisle in a (laughable) white dress? I was at a wedding reception once and the bride danced over to me. She just danced over, didn't have anything to say. So I said what you're supposed to say at all weddings: "The ceremony was beautiful. You look gorgeous. Congratulations!" Lindsay Lohan smiled like she was on acid and said, "I've had 6 glasses of wine, 8 vicodin and 4 adderall. I'm surprised my heart is still beating." This was not her first marriage.

Think about it. Think about all the crazy, crazy chicks you know who always have a man. It's stunning. For now, I'm going to work on being much, much crazier in an effort to get laid.

A non Haiku Haiku for Kyle Waterman, my first college boyfriend

Oh, Kyle Waterman,
Did someone finally shank you,
or did you start buying your own cigarettes?

Mosque? Not in my neighborhood.

Here is the thing I have been hyper aware of since I was a little kid and saw the movie Crisis at Central High for the first time: we live in a terribly judgmental, xenophobic, racist, homophobic country and it’s always been that way. “Our Founding Fathers” came to America to escape religious persecution and systematically and cruelly began killing the natives. They needed to build an economy and needed a cheap labor source, so they literally stole people from their own countries and made them slaves. Each time this country has seen an influx of immigrants, we do our best to demoralize, humiliate and destroy their culture. The Irish. The Japanese, the Chinese. People from Latin countries. Jewish immigrants. It’s not just about non-white immigrants, it’s about any new culture trying to put down roots in the United States.
And it’s not just a race or culture issue. We find equal joy in attacking sexuality. Men and women have been tried and convicted of “sodomy”, “lewd acts upon a bed” and other such nonsense since the boat docked. When the virus that causes AIDS was initially thought to be a “gay disease”, the Centers for Disease Control dragged their feet and didn’t even think about finding a cure or vaccine. And today, we discuss ad nauseam whether or not allowing same sex couples to marry will “destroy the sanctity of marriage.” Meanwhile, we never utter the words “destroying the sanctity of marriage” while discussing the fact that 1 in 4 women will be beaten by her partner in her lifetime. Nor do we wonder if the alarmingly high rate of divorce calls “the sanctity of marriage” into question.
And now, mosques. Sweet Baby Jesus, Islamic extremists are attempting to build their places of worship in my backyard. Why are they doing this?! To recruit new terrorists. To preach their evil religion to our innocent Christian babies. To destroy Christianity. To destroy the sanctity of marriage. How dare they, after 9/11, attempt to build their dirty, dirty mosques in our country?
Here we go again.
This isn’t anything new, unfortunately. The day the Federal Building was bombed in Oklahoma City in 1995, people went nuts. Muslim Americans unfortunate enough to be living in Oklahoma City that day were subjected to rocks being thrown at their homes, being verbally and physically attacked by neighbors. A Muslim woman lost her unborn child that day as she crouched in fear as people broke the windows on her home and shouted racist epithets. And then, the real terrorist, a tall lanky white boy from New York, was arrested for the crime, which he proudly admitted to. Didn’t see that coming, did you?
Yes, I think we can all agree that what happened in this country on September 11, 2001 was horrifying, tragic, stunning and numbing. The loss of so much human life was beyond comprehension and every single one of us was deeply affected and it’s something that will stay with us for the rest of our lives and out children’s lives. But after Pearl Harbor, Lt. General John L. DeWitt testified to Congress:
I don't want any of them [persons of Japanese ancestry] here. They are a dangerous element. There is no way to determine their loyalty... It makes no difference whether he is an American citizen, he is still a Japanese. American citizenship does not necessarily determine loyalty... But we must worry about the Japanese all the time until he is wiped off the map.
Japanese Americans were then rounded up (by order of the president) and put into internment camps. Our military called it a wartime necessity. Are we rounding up Islamic Americans and putting them into camps? No but we might as well with the way this community has been treated: being asked to de-board airplanes, accused of plotting terrorist attacks any time there is a group doing anything that might be called “suspicious”; being met with hostility and hatred by communities that don’t want Islamic Americans worshipping, praying, shopping or living amongst them. We are so irrationally afraid of this community and this religion that we are behaving like idiots.
It does no good for me or other likeminded individuals to try and ration with people who truly believe that all Islamic Americans are secretly terrorists. It’s a waste of my breath—and my time—to carefully and easily undo the “logic” of not allowing mosques to be built in this country. I am so sick of having conversations with people who are convinced that allowing same sex couples to marry would result in Armageddon that the next time someone starts in on that, my plan is to kick them square in the nuts and walk away.
You may read this and think to yourself, “Wow, this girl is really snotty. She obviously thinks she’s above everyone and morally superior. I hate her and I don’t even know her.” To that I say, then why the fuck did you read this far? I also say, you’re goddamned right. Do I think I am morally superior to, smarter than and overall much, much cooler than the band of idiots currently dominating Fox News? You’re goddamned right.

Boys Are Gross

What's up with that? Every guy I know--INCLUDING THE NANCY GAY ONES--is gross. They talk about gross things, they eat gross stuff, they smell gross and they find gross things hilarious.

Case in point: 2 Girls, One Cup.

I have not seen this legendary nugget of puke and, quite frankly, I don't want to. I have some idea of what the "plot" is and it's something I'm certain will be burned into my brain for the rest of my life. So why are dudes watching it?

I asked a dude who has seen it and takes pleasure in showing it to others.

We'll call him "Todd."

Me: So what's the deal, Todd?
Todd: I don't know. It's funny.
Me: Is it?
Todd: It's hilarious.
Me: So...you find the (alleged) consumption of feces and subsequent puking hilarious?
Todd: (laughing) Yeah, dude, it's so fuckin' funny.
Me: You don't find it gross?
Todd: (laughter waning): Well, I mean...yeah, but...it's also funny.
Me: But why, Todd? Why is it funny? What exactly is funny about it?
Todd: (long pause) I don't know...but...it is. It's...funny.
Me: You don't sound so sure of yourself anymore, Todd. Could it be that the reality of what you've watched 17 or 18 times is just now starting to sink in? Do you feel ashamed, Todd? Dirty? A little bit sad?
Todd: Boobs. Beer.

I don't know if Todd was irritated by my line of questioning or if he was distracted by our environment (a bar) and my ginormous cans. What I do know is that Todd went online and pulled up said video YET AGAIN for his friend, "Steve", who also peed himself laughing.

I lived with this dude once and he was extremely gross. He had a subscription to Hustler, perhaps the grossest thing on the planet. I'm not even offended by it; I'm baffled. Women squatting and peeing in a junkyard...hot. No. Not hot. Gross.

Dude was on the computer one day and called me into the room.

"You gotta see this!"

Thinking it was some hilarious internet video, like a reporter in a grape stomping contest who falls off a platform and makes bizarre, gutteral noises, I rushed into the room and eagerly peered over his disgusting shoulder. He clicked "play" and I saw....

A KGB video of a man's head being cut off with a pocket knife.

It took me a minute to realize what I was seeing. Once I figured it out, I went ape shit. Dude looked at me like I was crazy as I screamed, threw things and screamed, asking him why THE FUCK he thought I;d want to see something like that.

"Dude...it's funny."

NO IT'S NOT. IT'S DISGUSTING AND GROSS AND I FUCKING HATE YOU.

Even the guys who are trying to get you in the sack are eventually gross. I had an ex-boyfriend who used to spritz his sheets with yummy smelling...stuff...before I came over. While I found it kind of suspect (read: gay), I enjoyed the light fragrance of lavender at bed time. Fast forward less than one year and dude is clipping his toenails in bed next to me. He farts and pulls the covers over my head. He ceases the brushing of teeth prior to kissing me. I break up with him.

I don't expect you to be spotless; without gas and other basic human bodily functions; or have toenails and hair that groom themselves. But please....for the love of God...don't be disgusting. It's not funny. It's gross. And I got news for ya: chicks don't turned on by gross.

Wait...This Is My "NO WAY" Face....

There was this guy, his name was OJ Simpson and he murdered his ex-wife and her friend. But he totally got away with it despite the fact that EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER knew that he was guilty. He even wrote this book called "IF I Did It" (alternately titled "Ha Ha, I Totally Got Away With Double Homicide"). Then, 13 years later, like a true dumbass, he got himself arrested for stealing his own shit. Folks 'round the world were stunned. I agree with Katt Williams: when you get away with double homicide, JAYWALKING is a bad idea. Not to mention armed robbery.

It seems that one Joran van der Sloot, the ONLY SUSPECT in the 2005 disapperance of Natalee Holloway, has been taking his cues from Mr. Simpson. After writing a book--seriously, what is it with that course of action? It would be one thing if you were completely, 100% cleared. Like, "We're so sorry, Mr. van de Sloot, the DNA recovered at the scene of the murder was totally not yours" cleared. Like went on The Oprah Winfrey Show and told the world how shattered your soul was after being accused of this henious crime that you did not, without question, DID NOT commit. For real...writing a book about it only draws more attention to the fact that EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE GUILTY.

I digress.

Anyway, after writing a book about the Natalee Holloway case in which he admit lying to the police, van der Sloot then CONFESSED TO HER MURDER while smoking weed with an undercover reporter. Apparently the rules in Aruba & Holland (his native country) are real, real different than they are in most other places because the reaction to this confession (by law enforcement, the Aruban poeple, the Dutch, etc) was "Eh." Despite the fact that his confession was caught on video, truly, no one seemed to care.

Bet they care now.

It seems that as I type, Joran is fleeing, on foot, from Peru (most likely headed for Argentina)to hopefully out run yet another dead woman. The body of a 21 year old Peruvian woman, who had been missing for five days, was found in a hotel room that was rented to Joran van der Sloot. Now...if you rent a hotel room, go down to the pool, have a few drinks, chat up the ladies, grab a bite to eat and return to your room to find a dead body, what do you do? Get on the horn and call the cops or at the very least, the front desk. You only run if you are the reason for the dead body.

One missing and presumed dead woman...one definitely dead woman...how many more ladies are going to die before this piece of shit is brought to justice?

Back in 2005, when he was twice arrested as the prime suspect in Natalee Holloway's disapperance, his rich, powerful father threw around some influence and got his son released. Then the van der Sloot family shuttled their kid out of Aruba as fast as they could to avoid any more suspicion being heaped on him. Now, the elder van der Sloot is deceased and while I'm sure the family remains a force to be reckoned with (people with money often are), there's really no way anyone--not even his momma--can overlook how SUPER DUPER OBVIOUS THIS IS.

Let's just hope this asshole is captured quickly. Let's also hope, for the sake of her family and friends, that he finally tells the truth about what happened to Natalee Holloway.

Open Letter to Elizabeth Hasselbeck

Dear Mrs. Hasselbeck:

Your recent comments about ESPN reporter Erin Andrews were not only stupid, they also came on the heels of two high profile cases of domestic violence events: the murder of Yeardley Love by her ex-boyfriend and the kidnapping of Venus Stewart, allegedly by her estranged husband. You may not think that the stalking of Erin Andrews has much to do with these cases but you're wrong. Then again, you're often wrong. But here is why it was particularly egregious this time.

Women have always been victim/survivors of domestic and sexual violence. Unfortunately, none of this is new. But in just 7 days time, two young women have suffered unbelievable acts at the hands of men who were obsessed with them and obsessed with having power over them. When Michael Barrett targeted Erin Andrews, he violated her privacy, her spirit, her heart and her mind. What he did was extremely similar to the murder of Yeardley Love and the kidnapping and possible murder of Venus Stewart. All of the acts--the murder, the kidnapping and the stalking--were committed by men who felt they had the right to take a woman's power away by any means necessary. This has been happening to women for centuries. It also happens to men but on a much smaller scale.

Victim blaming is also nothing new. Endless research shows that men and women tend to dissect situations of domestic and sexual violence in order to find what the VICTIM did wrong. And no one is perfect--but no one deserves to be abused, no matter what anyone thinks they might have done. But your comments about Ms. Andrews situation suggest that you believe she is in some way encouraging the abuse that has been heaped upon her in recent months. Elizabeth, if all women and men who were victims of stalking and/or abuse stayed home with the shades drawn, there would be very few people out walking around. I applaud Ms. Andrews for taking back her power, for dancing her ass off on national television and for saying, "I'm not going to let the actions of a twisted, broken man stop me from living the most exciting life I can."

During your tearful apology on The View, you mentioned your daughter and how she opened your eyes to what you had done. I'm concerned that it took a 5 year old to explain that to you but let's really drive that point home: I hope that you NEVER have to watch your own daughter deal with the repercussions of stalking and/or sexual or domestic violence. It would tear your heart out. Also, I'd be worried that she had to come to someone with your twisted opinions for advice and comfort.

Now, I also take issue with what you said to your daughter about how Mommy needs to only say positive and nice things to people all the time. Not true. I would suggest that PEOPLE LIKE YOU need to be told how incredibly uneducated, unintelligent and unfeeling they are. I would like to thank you for opening your mouth and speaking on national television every day, just as I thank people like Fred Phelps for exposing who he really is. It's not your fault; you're a product of a misogynistic world. The difference is, you seem to have embraced it.