No, I don't want my child to do any drugs. I want them to play the clarinet, join the math club and graduate from high school a pristine virgin.
But if they must, oh let them do real drugs. Mommy doesn't want people to stare and whisper when she walks into the PTA meeting:
"Her son Carl...he huffs gas."
"I heard her daughter Linda is blind from too much Duster. You know, that stuff in a can that you spray on your keyboard at work to get all the Taco Bell crumbs out? Such a shame."
Yeah, don't do that to me Carl and Linda. Haven't I given you everything?? You lived inside me, for Christ's sake, like I was a goddamned studio apartment and this is the thanks I get?
Go to your room. Mommy can't look at you right now.
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