Boys Are Gross

What's up with that? Every guy I know--INCLUDING THE NANCY GAY ONES--is gross. They talk about gross things, they eat gross stuff, they smell gross and they find gross things hilarious.

Case in point: 2 Girls, One Cup.

I have not seen this legendary nugget of puke and, quite frankly, I don't want to. I have some idea of what the "plot" is and it's something I'm certain will be burned into my brain for the rest of my life. So why are dudes watching it?

I asked a dude who has seen it and takes pleasure in showing it to others.

We'll call him "Todd."

Me: So what's the deal, Todd?
Todd: I don't know. It's funny.
Me: Is it?
Todd: It's hilarious.
Me: So...you find the (alleged) consumption of feces and subsequent puking hilarious?
Todd: (laughing) Yeah, dude, it's so fuckin' funny.
Me: You don't find it gross?
Todd: (laughter waning): Well, I mean...yeah, but...it's also funny.
Me: But why, Todd? Why is it funny? What exactly is funny about it?
Todd: (long pause) I don't know...but...it is. It's...funny.
Me: You don't sound so sure of yourself anymore, Todd. Could it be that the reality of what you've watched 17 or 18 times is just now starting to sink in? Do you feel ashamed, Todd? Dirty? A little bit sad?
Todd: Boobs. Beer.

I don't know if Todd was irritated by my line of questioning or if he was distracted by our environment (a bar) and my ginormous cans. What I do know is that Todd went online and pulled up said video YET AGAIN for his friend, "Steve", who also peed himself laughing.

I lived with this dude once and he was extremely gross. He had a subscription to Hustler, perhaps the grossest thing on the planet. I'm not even offended by it; I'm baffled. Women squatting and peeing in a junkyard...hot. No. Not hot. Gross.

Dude was on the computer one day and called me into the room.

"You gotta see this!"

Thinking it was some hilarious internet video, like a reporter in a grape stomping contest who falls off a platform and makes bizarre, gutteral noises, I rushed into the room and eagerly peered over his disgusting shoulder. He clicked "play" and I saw....

A KGB video of a man's head being cut off with a pocket knife.

It took me a minute to realize what I was seeing. Once I figured it out, I went ape shit. Dude looked at me like I was crazy as I screamed, threw things and screamed, asking him why THE FUCK he thought I;d want to see something like that.

"Dude...it's funny."

NO IT'S NOT. IT'S DISGUSTING AND GROSS AND I FUCKING HATE YOU.

Even the guys who are trying to get you in the sack are eventually gross. I had an ex-boyfriend who used to spritz his sheets with yummy smelling...stuff...before I came over. While I found it kind of suspect (read: gay), I enjoyed the light fragrance of lavender at bed time. Fast forward less than one year and dude is clipping his toenails in bed next to me. He farts and pulls the covers over my head. He ceases the brushing of teeth prior to kissing me. I break up with him.

I don't expect you to be spotless; without gas and other basic human bodily functions; or have toenails and hair that groom themselves. But please....for the love of God...don't be disgusting. It's not funny. It's gross. And I got news for ya: chicks don't turned on by gross.