I got issues but I ain't broken.

In 1983, my parents separated. I remember them sitting us all down to tell us; I even remember what my mother was wearing. I remember being upset because I didn’t understand what it all meant. But after that, my life continued, despite the fact that my parents eventually officially divorced and I lived in a one-parent household.


I’m getting real tired of hearing that children from divorced families end up in a gutter somewhere.

Here is what I remember about my parent’s marriage: they fought. A lot. When they weren’t fighting, it meant my father wasn’t home. When my parents fought, my siblings and I would sit and stare at each other with wide, worried eyes. It was scary; we didn’t understand financial issues or the weird intimacy problems that occur between married adults. We just knew that they were screaming at each other. When you’re six and your parents are screaming about anything, it’s terrifying. A few years ago, my sister-in-law got really upset about something (not related to her marriage) and yelled. My niece was 3 at the time. She came flying down the stairs, her gorgeous blue eyes full of terror, calling for her mother. It broke my heart to see her so worried, so I scooped her up in my arms and explained what was happening and that everything would be ok. When you’re little, your parents are you whole world. If something is wrong with them, what the hell is going to happen to you?

Did I want my parents to get divorced? Of course not. But did I want to spend the rest of my life dealing with their fighting? Hell no. What’s worse—growing up in a one-parent household or living with two people who hate each other?

I saw my Dad on weekends. Truth be told, I didn’t have the greatest relationship with my Dad until I was an adult. But that certainly wouldn’t have been solved by him living in the same household as me. My Dad doesn’t understand children: he can’t relate to them, he can’t help them learn life lessons in a productive way, he can’t accept their shortcomings and by the way, his parents just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. God bless them but they can’t stand each other.  My parents were always supportive and for the most part, worked as a team when it came to their children.  They never said a bad word about each other, either. When I walked across the stage to get my college diploma, I looked out and saw my parents hug each other.  I never saw them do that when they were married.

My therapist might say that I got a warped view of relationships because of my parents divorce. I ask you...what is a non-warped view of relationships? Every relationship is different. There is not one recipe for a healthy relationship. Think about the couples you know, married or not, that you always thought had the greatest relationship. You see what they want you to see. So when they tell you they’re getting divorced one day, you’re shocked.

“What happened?” You ask.

Very rarely will someone answer, “Well this whole time, he was beating the shit out of me” or “She’s actually not Jessica Meyers; her name is Leslie Hopkins and she’s wanted in 3 states for fraud.” Usually, it’s more like, “Well...we just grew apart...we wanted different things...the spark wasn’t there anymore.” And then you wonder, what the hell does that mean?

You will never understand what it means because relationships are car accidents that people who were not involved in them cannot possibly comprehend.

The concept of the perfect marriage is bullshit. Marriage itself is fine; I support ALL PEOPLE getting hitched if that’s what they want to do. I’ll buy you a Target gift card, drink too much at the reception and maybe I’ll even dance a little. But the idea that marriage is the key to happy, healthy families is absolute rubbish.