Every kiss begins with telling me I'm pretty when I look like s***.

Ahhh Christmas.  Tis the season for warm and fuzzy commercials where everybody is in love.  Don't get me wrong; I think love is great...for other people.  For me, it's messy, painful and a total waste of time. 

All year, the diamond industry tries to convince us that diamonds are the way to go.  The Shane Company, Wedding Day Diamonds, Zales, Kay, Jared...it's endless.  Never mind that the diamond industry is one of the most violent organized crime industries in the world.  I'm not saying that Dean and Umi are schlepping blood diamonds but I do know that many of the major jewelry companies continue to buy diamonds from corrupt and murderous gang leaders in politically unstable African countries.  But I digress....

Every time I see those commercials, I think to myself, "Wow.  If my boyfriend bought me that ugly Open Heart pendant designed by Jane Seymour, I would break up with him immediately."  Who buys the person they love jewelry like that?  It's like deciding to get a boob job and finding your surgeon in the phone book.  If my significant other saw a Jared commercial and thought, "Ooooh, Dresden would love that.  That's so her", then we'd have a major issue.  I wouldn't be a bitch about it; I'd say "thank you" but it would be a giant red flag and I'd start to notice all the other ways that you were completely clueless.  And that can't end well.  For you, I mean.

I know several women whose husbands proposed to them with huge, sparkling Tiffany diamonds; like, the kind of diamond that you can see from space and pairs well with a fur coat and white Prada sunglasses.  Diamonds so big that you cannot focus on anything else when you're talking to the wearer.  Several thoughts run through my mind when blinded by someones engagement bling:
1.  What is he doing that you don't know about?  I mean, Kobe Bryant gave his wife the world's largest diamond after he was "falsely accused of rape."  The diamond alone was an admission of guilt.
2.  He's real worried that you're settling for him and hopes this obscene diamond will cheer you up about it.
3.  Dude has a lot of credit card debt.
4.  He is hoping you will take a wrong turn in the middle of the night, end up in a bad neighborhood and are killed for the ring on your hand.

I'm telling you: if someone gave me a diamond that big, I would be terrified to wear it.  First of all, I would take it off at the gym or something and I'd never see it again.  Also, I'm not Italian but I talk with my hands; I'd smack that thing against one too many walls and the diamond would pop out and I wouldn't notice it was gone until an hour later. 

I know a guy who spent $40,000 on his wife's engagement ring.  Now, he has more money than anyone ever should have, so $40,000 was a drop in the bucket.  If I got a ring that was worth 40 grand, I would suggest that we take it back and put a down payment on a house or buy a really sweet car.  For real, take me to Target and we'll find a cute $50 ring that hopefully won't turn my finger green.  Then we'll buy a house. 

I suppose romance is different for everybody but, for me, it's romantic if you surprise me with little things, like a nice dinner or a trip to the salon.  Bring me flowers for no reason at all.  Buy me a pair of warm socks because you know my feet get cold.  Tell me I'm beautiful when I look like shit.  Don't buy me the same necklace every clueless schmoe is buying for their girlfriend for Christmas because they saw a commercial.  In fact, all I want for Christmas is Chinese food delivery and 24 hours of A Christmas Story, like all good Jews.