In the movies, they'd have you believe that Mean Girls are always skinny bitches with lots and lots of hair. In most American high schools, this is probably true. But at Fat Camp, all bets are off.
Fat Mean Girls are the worst kind of Mean Girls in the whole world because they're pissed. They've spent the entire school year being made fun of, not having one single date and hanging out with their evil, plotting gay male friends. So when thrust into the world of Fat Camp, where everyone is equal, they're ready for action. They've spent 9 months building The Bitch and by God, they're going to take it out on someone.
The first Fat Mean Girl I met at Fat Camp was my roommate. Her name was Candace and the first thing I noticed about her was that she had several large bald patches on her head. Also, she was wearing a fur coat in July in Wisconsin. Believe it or not, I was a different kind of girl back then; I still trusted people and had ambitions to save the world. So my hilarious cynicism and biting wit had yet to come forth. In my mind, I was thinking, "What's....happening up there?" But I didn't say it. I just shyly introduced myself.
"You're probably wondering what's wrong with my hair", she said.
"What? No, I didn't even...."
"Yeah well, I was at a slumber party and my friends played a joke on me because I was the first one to fall asleep. My friends are really crazy."
I nodded and smiled. I didn't have the heart to tell her that friends put your bra in the freezer when you fall asleep first at a slumber party. Friends don't shave your fucking head.
Candace then proceeded to tell me how much this place sucked and there were mice and centipedes everywhere and she was having a really hard time without her maid. If this were to happen to me now, I would walk out of the room and demand a new roommate the second I saw the fur coat. But at 12, I was a willing participant in ridiculous.
Needless to say, no one liked Candace. She was rude, unintelligent and bitchy. I wouldn't be surprised if Candace had lived in a trailer park somewhere for most of her life and then her mother's boyfriend won the lottery and bought her a fur coat. In other words, she'd attend the débutante ball but she might clip her toenails during dinner. But overall, I really think it was her hair. If someone did that to me, I would cut the rest of the shit off. But Candace didn't. She had three large bald patches and the rest of it was long, straggly and mousy brown. It was simply uncomfortable.
Because I was tall and chesty and everyone assumed I was 15, I started hanging out exclusively with the 15-17 year olds. This is when I met the Ultimate Fat Mean Girls: Marni, Molly and Tanesha. Marni was from Chicago, had a manicure and I assumed she was wealthy because not only did she have a phone in her room, she had her own phone line. Molly was also from Chicago but a completely different part of town. She had red frizzy hair and freckles and told me she was in a gang whose initiation involved her giving blow jobs to 10 different guys in one night. I don't even think I knew what that meant when I was 12. Tanesha was from Milwaukee; she was black and she was the ring leader. If you crossed Tanesha, Fat Camp would quickly become a nightmare.
Despite being Fat Mean Girls, they had their qualities: Marni taught me how to shave my legs and always said I had such pretty eyes. Molly showed me gang signs and told me that if I ever came to her 'hood in Chitown, she would have my back. Tanesha was my protector. I think she was me as a confused little mixed girl who needed a black female influence.
Tanesha and Candace did not get along but that was no surprise. Mostly, they just traded insults; Tanesha stated that obvious about Candace's hair and Candace made vaguely racist remarks about Tanesha being ghetto. But at some point, an event occurred; one that I cannot actually remember. It was something that sent Tanesha over the edge of fury. She decided we were going to destroy Candace's stuff. Molly and Marni were in complete agreement. I was a little concerned. But in an effort to remain an ally rather than a target, I agreed to let them know when Candace was gone so they could do their damage. And they did. But they did it in ways she wouldn't immediately recognize. They burned and poked holes in the bottoms of all her bottles: shampoo, conditioner, lotion, etc. They cut crucial buttons off her blouses. They cut the crotch out of all her jeans. I stood there and watched these fat, angry girls destroy my roommates stuff and the whole time, I wavered between being caught in the mob mentality and thinking it was the most calculated, cold thing anyone had ever done. It was like a frenzied festival of hate.
Needless to say, Candace started to discover that something was terribly wrong, like when she picked up her shampoo bottle and the contents came spilling out all over the place. Initially, she blamed me. I maintained that I didn't do anything, which wasn't a lie; I never touched her stuff. Eventually, the camp directors, a weird Jewish couple from New Jersey, called me into their office. Joyce and Harry. These two people had never seen an extra pound in their lives, which made their directorship of Fat Camp suspect to say the least. I caved immediately and told them everything. Why? Because I wasn't going to take the fall for anyone. My own Mean Girl survival instincts kicked in, I guess. When I emerged from their office, Tanesha, Marni and Molly stood there, waiting. I admitted that I'd told the truth. Tanesha started doing her thing, calling me stupid, saying she couldn't believe I'd ratted her out and that she was going to get me. Marni and Molly just stood there and I could tell they weren't so sure; I knew they actually liked me and weren't interested in waging a Fat Mean Girls war with me. So I looked Tanesha in the eye and said, "Tanesha...they thought I did it. And I didn't do it. You did."
I don't truly know what happened in that moment but it was like all it took was for someone to remind her that she had orchestrated this cruel, unnecessary operation and she couldn't argue with that. No one even got into trouble for this, ultimately. I think Tanesha, Marni and Molly had to apologize to Candace, who cried and wore her fur coat to the meeting. And we all remained friends, with one hand on our pistols. But you know what? Fat girls, skinny girls...they all have terrible relationships when they're teenagers. Things are great until some stupid boy inserts himself into the friendship or someone spends a little less time with you and a little more time with someone you don't particularly like. Any number of things can derail teenage girl's friendships. And we don't get much better as we get older, do we?
I don't know what happened to any of the Fat Mean Girls. We wrote letters for a while after camp and then we didn't. I assume they went back to school and back to being The Fat Girl and plotting next summer's revenge.
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