Urine Sample

Instructions for women on how to give a urine sample:
1.  Sit as far back on the toilet as you can.
2.  Using two fingers, part the labia.  Keep the labia parted until the sample is collected.
3.  Using moist towelettes, wipe from front to back several times to ensure a clean catch.
4.  Urinate a small amount into the toilet.  Without breaking the stream, place the specimen cup into the stream to collect the sample.
5.  Replace specimen lid and secure tightly.

What really happens
1.  Sit on the toilet, sighing a lot and wishing you were anywhere else.
2.  Read instructions and laugh.
3.  Open one of those wet nap thingys and sorta wipe it around down there.
4.  Come at it from a multitude of uncomfortable angles.  Look at the instructions again and scoot your ass back on the toilet.  Realize this makes no difference at all and just get the damn cup in there.  Mutter a lot; things like, "Are you fucking kidding me?"  and "This is ridiculous."
5.  Seriously consider placing cup on the floor and squatting over it.
6.  Silently wish you were a dude, just for right now.
7.  Ok, now...piss all over your hand.  That's right, allllll over it.  Really get it nice and covered in pee.
8.  As you pee on your hand, move the cup around, attempting to figure out where the best placement is as it seems that someone has installed a sprinkler down there.
9.  Pull the cup out.  Realize that you've managed to get about 1/2 an inch of urine actually in the cup.
10.  Say something like, "Oh goddamit" and be totally grossed out, as there is pee everywhere.
11.  After finishing your business, you must now basically clean the bathroom.  There is urine on the seat and the floor.
12.  Attempt to clean the outside of the specimen cup but get mad and decide you don't care.  They're just lab technicians.  
13.  Place cup in that little revolving door and spin it around.  Listen for just a minute to see if they talk about your pee-covered cup.
14.  Leave and never tell anyone about this.