I declare this half eaten burrito official.

While I was slogging away on my treadmill at the gym, CNN told me that Maine is desperately trying to decide if their official state dessert should be the whoppie pie or blueberry pie. Pennsylvania is also considering the whoppie pie for official dessert status, which obviously makes Maine want that one more because it’s just human nature to covet thy (sort of) neighbor. As I schvitzed and schlepped away in the name of socially acceptable perfection, I began to wonder: does every state have an official state dessert? Why do we need official state desserts? Does that mean that any time there is an official meal, the official dessert gets served? How does this get decided? And with all the piles and piles of shit going on in the world, why am I grasping on to this?


I decided to just go with it.

Upon Googling “how official state foods are chosen” I didn’t find much; mostly state government pages that listed WIC-eligible foods. I found lists and lists of official state foods and one tiny blurb that said that when someone wants to make an official state food (say an official muffin, dessert, beverage, etc) they have to bring it before a judge and have it “declared by law” as the official state food.

Who the hell does this? And why? If I decided that clamato should be the official state tomato-based beverage and I went through the process of trying to have that declared by law, everyone would assume that I am crazy and unemployed. And rightfully so.

Some of the official state foods make sense; for example, Minnesota’s official state grain is wild rice. Duh. Minnesota is one of two main producers of wild rice. Maryland’s state food is blue crabs. Yep, that sounds about right. Idaho’s state food is the potato. Again, yes, I whole-heartedly agree with this and understand it. But here’s where it gets weird.

Louisiana has a state jelly. How come? It is Mayhaw jelly and the mayhaw capital is Georgia. Louisiana also has an official state meat pie. No, meat pie is not the official state pie—they have an official state meat pie. It’s Natchitoches. New Mexico’s state vegetable is refried beans. I got news for ya, retired old timey hippies: refried beans do not qualify as a vegetable. Oklahoma must feel inadequate because they have quite a few official state foods. One of their official state meals is corn. Corn is not a meal. In fact, Oklahoma has ten official state meals and none of them are an actual meal. A meal is several items, not one item. Utah’s state snack food is Jell-O. How did that happen? It’s not like Jell-O was invented or conceived in Utah because it wasn’t. But in 2001, the governor invented “Jell-O Week.” Oh how I wish I had been in that meeting. North Carolina has an official state blue berry—it’s blueberries. They also have an official state red berry, which is the strawberry. I happen to love North Carolina but 2001 must have been a very slow year for them.

And the big winner for official state beverage? Milk. Almost every state has legally declared milk official. Nebraska also decided to embarrass themselves why declaring Kool-Aid their other official state beverage but that is because Kool-Aid was invented in Nebraska. The state of Alabama ain’t playin’; their official state beverage is whiskey.

I guess I’m failing to understand why we need official state foods and beverages. This throw down between Maine and Pennsylvania for the whoopee pie is a big enough news story that CNN had an actual segment on it. I wonder if people can protest the declaration of an official state food. Like if Minnesota wanted to declare the kiwi as the official state fruit, I’d totally make a sign and go to the capitol and demand to know why a fruit that does not grow here and has no historical ties to my state would be named an official anything. Would I be ridiculed or seen as a new brand of community leader, demanding that things start making sense around here? By the way, Minnesota’s official state fruit isn’t the kiwi; it’s the honeycrisp apple.