Stone Phillips, be my guide.

I like to watch depressing and brutal shit on tv. I have no idea how or why this started but there it is. I’m a huge fan of Dateline, 48 Hours, I Survived, The First 48, Disappeared, Deadly Women, Wicked Attraction. But because I love these real stories of mayhem and occasional survival, I can’t stand shows like CSI, NCIS or any other show that is mostly acronyms. I like the real stuff.


These shows teach us a lot about all the ways we can be terrorized and/or die. Due to hours and hours of true crime education, I have learned the following life lessons:

1. Don’t ever get married. Without warning, your spouse will lose their mind and hack you to pieces. It doesn’t matter if you are newlyweds or if you’ve been in a loving marriage for 47 years. Usually this will happen for the life insurance payout or possibly because they are having an affair. Or maybe both. Which brings me to my next point.

2. Don’t get life insurance. As soon as your spouse, children or best friend finds out about it, they will knock you unconscious, put you in your car and set it on fire. They’ll get caught but you’ll be dead so what good will that do you?

3. If someone from your past shows up unannounced, don’t let them in your house. It might be your grandmother, an old friend who just happened to be in town or an ex of some kind. Whoever it is, they are there to kill you. Call 911 immediately.

4. If you break the first rule and get married, when you get divorced, immediately change your identity. If your ex-spouse finds you or—worse yet—is co-parenting with you, eventually and for no interesting reason, they will go bat shit crazy, kidnap you and stuff you in a garbage can that they will then place in a storage locker. Seriously.

5. Don’t drive at night. If a car pulls up alongside you, swerve off the road in a wild, reckless fashion because whoever is in that car has a gun and is planning to shoot you.

6. If you get a flat tire, Jesus Christ, do not let anyone assist you. Because they will assist you right into your grave.

7. Deciding to go on a cruise is like deciding to jump off the Sears Tower—it is a guaranteed death sentence, either by murder or dysentery.

8. Speaking of travel, for the love of God, do not travel internationally. You might think you’re having a lovely Sandals Resort vacation but at some point, there will be a violent military coup, you’ll be kidnapped by guerillas and taken on a death march through the jungle.

9. Animals are not your friends, nor are they cute. They are simply waiting for the right moment to rip your left arm off and beat you to death with it.

10. Don’t attempt to do anything alone. You will get your arm stuck in something and no one will hear you scream and you will try to cut your arm off and then you will have only one arm.

11. Feel like going for a snowmobile ride? You might as well play Russian Roulette with yourself but only this time, the gun will be fully loaded.

12. Boats—whether fishing vessels, yachts, row boats or canoes—will only lead to a watery grave.