What's up with that? Every guy I know--INCLUDING THE NANCY GAY ONES--is gross. They talk about gross things, they eat gross stuff, they smell gross and they find gross things hilarious.
Case in point: 2 Girls, One Cup.
I have not seen this legendary nugget of puke and, quite frankly, I don't want to. I have some idea of what the "plot" is and it's something I'm certain will be burned into my brain for the rest of my life. So why are dudes watching it?
I asked a dude who has seen it and takes pleasure in showing it to others.
We'll call him "Todd."
Me: So what's the deal, Todd?
Todd: I don't know. It's funny.
Me: Is it?
Todd: It's hilarious.
Me: So...you find the (alleged) consumption of feces and subsequent puking hilarious?
Todd: (laughing) Yeah, dude, it's so fuckin' funny.
Me: You don't find it gross?
Todd: (laughter waning): Well, I mean...yeah, but...it's also funny.
Me: But why, Todd? Why is it funny? What exactly is funny about it?
Todd: (long pause) I don't know...but...it is. It's...funny.
Me: You don't sound so sure of yourself anymore, Todd. Could it be that the reality of what you've watched 17 or 18 times is just now starting to sink in? Do you feel ashamed, Todd? Dirty? A little bit sad?
Todd: Boobs. Beer.
I don't know if Todd was irritated by my line of questioning or if he was distracted by our environment (a bar) and my ginormous cans. What I do know is that Todd went online and pulled up said video YET AGAIN for his friend, "Steve", who also peed himself laughing.
I lived with this dude once and he was extremely gross. He had a subscription to Hustler, perhaps the grossest thing on the planet. I'm not even offended by it; I'm baffled. Women squatting and peeing in a junkyard...hot. No. Not hot. Gross.
Dude was on the computer one day and called me into the room.
"You gotta see this!"
Thinking it was some hilarious internet video, like a reporter in a grape stomping contest who falls off a platform and makes bizarre, gutteral noises, I rushed into the room and eagerly peered over his disgusting shoulder. He clicked "play" and I saw....
A KGB video of a man's head being cut off with a pocket knife.
It took me a minute to realize what I was seeing. Once I figured it out, I went ape shit. Dude looked at me like I was crazy as I screamed, threw things and screamed, asking him why THE FUCK he thought I;d want to see something like that.
"Dude...it's funny."
NO IT'S NOT. IT'S DISGUSTING AND GROSS AND I FUCKING HATE YOU.
Even the guys who are trying to get you in the sack are eventually gross. I had an ex-boyfriend who used to spritz his sheets with yummy smelling...stuff...before I came over. While I found it kind of suspect (read: gay), I enjoyed the light fragrance of lavender at bed time. Fast forward less than one year and dude is clipping his toenails in bed next to me. He farts and pulls the covers over my head. He ceases the brushing of teeth prior to kissing me. I break up with him.
I don't expect you to be spotless; without gas and other basic human bodily functions; or have toenails and hair that groom themselves. But please....for the love of God...don't be disgusting. It's not funny. It's gross. And I got news for ya: chicks don't turned on by gross.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Wait...This Is My "NO WAY" Face....
There was this guy, his name was OJ Simpson and he murdered his ex-wife and her friend. But he totally got away with it despite the fact that EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER knew that he was guilty. He even wrote this book called "IF I Did It" (alternately titled "Ha Ha, I Totally Got Away With Double Homicide"). Then, 13 years later, like a true dumbass, he got himself arrested for stealing his own shit. Folks 'round the world were stunned. I agree with Katt Williams: when you get away with double homicide, JAYWALKING is a bad idea. Not to mention armed robbery.
It seems that one Joran van der Sloot, the ONLY SUSPECT in the 2005 disapperance of Natalee Holloway, has been taking his cues from Mr. Simpson. After writing a book--seriously, what is it with that course of action? It would be one thing if you were completely, 100% cleared. Like, "We're so sorry, Mr. van de Sloot, the DNA recovered at the scene of the murder was totally not yours" cleared. Like went on The Oprah Winfrey Show and told the world how shattered your soul was after being accused of this henious crime that you did not, without question, DID NOT commit. For real...writing a book about it only draws more attention to the fact that EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE GUILTY.
I digress.
Anyway, after writing a book about the Natalee Holloway case in which he admit lying to the police, van der Sloot then CONFESSED TO HER MURDER while smoking weed with an undercover reporter. Apparently the rules in Aruba & Holland (his native country) are real, real different than they are in most other places because the reaction to this confession (by law enforcement, the Aruban poeple, the Dutch, etc) was "Eh." Despite the fact that his confession was caught on video, truly, no one seemed to care.
Bet they care now.
It seems that as I type, Joran is fleeing, on foot, from Peru (most likely headed for Argentina)to hopefully out run yet another dead woman. The body of a 21 year old Peruvian woman, who had been missing for five days, was found in a hotel room that was rented to Joran van der Sloot. Now...if you rent a hotel room, go down to the pool, have a few drinks, chat up the ladies, grab a bite to eat and return to your room to find a dead body, what do you do? Get on the horn and call the cops or at the very least, the front desk. You only run if you are the reason for the dead body.
One missing and presumed dead woman...one definitely dead woman...how many more ladies are going to die before this piece of shit is brought to justice?
Back in 2005, when he was twice arrested as the prime suspect in Natalee Holloway's disapperance, his rich, powerful father threw around some influence and got his son released. Then the van der Sloot family shuttled their kid out of Aruba as fast as they could to avoid any more suspicion being heaped on him. Now, the elder van der Sloot is deceased and while I'm sure the family remains a force to be reckoned with (people with money often are), there's really no way anyone--not even his momma--can overlook how SUPER DUPER OBVIOUS THIS IS.
Let's just hope this asshole is captured quickly. Let's also hope, for the sake of her family and friends, that he finally tells the truth about what happened to Natalee Holloway.
It seems that one Joran van der Sloot, the ONLY SUSPECT in the 2005 disapperance of Natalee Holloway, has been taking his cues from Mr. Simpson. After writing a book--seriously, what is it with that course of action? It would be one thing if you were completely, 100% cleared. Like, "We're so sorry, Mr. van de Sloot, the DNA recovered at the scene of the murder was totally not yours" cleared. Like went on The Oprah Winfrey Show and told the world how shattered your soul was after being accused of this henious crime that you did not, without question, DID NOT commit. For real...writing a book about it only draws more attention to the fact that EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE GUILTY.
I digress.
Anyway, after writing a book about the Natalee Holloway case in which he admit lying to the police, van der Sloot then CONFESSED TO HER MURDER while smoking weed with an undercover reporter. Apparently the rules in Aruba & Holland (his native country) are real, real different than they are in most other places because the reaction to this confession (by law enforcement, the Aruban poeple, the Dutch, etc) was "Eh." Despite the fact that his confession was caught on video, truly, no one seemed to care.
Bet they care now.
It seems that as I type, Joran is fleeing, on foot, from Peru (most likely headed for Argentina)to hopefully out run yet another dead woman. The body of a 21 year old Peruvian woman, who had been missing for five days, was found in a hotel room that was rented to Joran van der Sloot. Now...if you rent a hotel room, go down to the pool, have a few drinks, chat up the ladies, grab a bite to eat and return to your room to find a dead body, what do you do? Get on the horn and call the cops or at the very least, the front desk. You only run if you are the reason for the dead body.
One missing and presumed dead woman...one definitely dead woman...how many more ladies are going to die before this piece of shit is brought to justice?
Back in 2005, when he was twice arrested as the prime suspect in Natalee Holloway's disapperance, his rich, powerful father threw around some influence and got his son released. Then the van der Sloot family shuttled their kid out of Aruba as fast as they could to avoid any more suspicion being heaped on him. Now, the elder van der Sloot is deceased and while I'm sure the family remains a force to be reckoned with (people with money often are), there's really no way anyone--not even his momma--can overlook how SUPER DUPER OBVIOUS THIS IS.
Let's just hope this asshole is captured quickly. Let's also hope, for the sake of her family and friends, that he finally tells the truth about what happened to Natalee Holloway.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Open Letter to Elizabeth Hasselbeck
Dear Mrs. Hasselbeck:
Your recent comments about ESPN reporter Erin Andrews were not only stupid, they also came on the heels of two high profile cases of domestic violence events: the murder of Yeardley Love by her ex-boyfriend and the kidnapping of Venus Stewart, allegedly by her estranged husband. You may not think that the stalking of Erin Andrews has much to do with these cases but you're wrong. Then again, you're often wrong. But here is why it was particularly egregious this time.
Women have always been victim/survivors of domestic and sexual violence. Unfortunately, none of this is new. But in just 7 days time, two young women have suffered unbelievable acts at the hands of men who were obsessed with them and obsessed with having power over them. When Michael Barrett targeted Erin Andrews, he violated her privacy, her spirit, her heart and her mind. What he did was extremely similar to the murder of Yeardley Love and the kidnapping and possible murder of Venus Stewart. All of the acts--the murder, the kidnapping and the stalking--were committed by men who felt they had the right to take a woman's power away by any means necessary. This has been happening to women for centuries. It also happens to men but on a much smaller scale.
Victim blaming is also nothing new. Endless research shows that men and women tend to dissect situations of domestic and sexual violence in order to find what the VICTIM did wrong. And no one is perfect--but no one deserves to be abused, no matter what anyone thinks they might have done. But your comments about Ms. Andrews situation suggest that you believe she is in some way encouraging the abuse that has been heaped upon her in recent months. Elizabeth, if all women and men who were victims of stalking and/or abuse stayed home with the shades drawn, there would be very few people out walking around. I applaud Ms. Andrews for taking back her power, for dancing her ass off on national television and for saying, "I'm not going to let the actions of a twisted, broken man stop me from living the most exciting life I can."
During your tearful apology on The View, you mentioned your daughter and how she opened your eyes to what you had done. I'm concerned that it took a 5 year old to explain that to you but let's really drive that point home: I hope that you NEVER have to watch your own daughter deal with the repercussions of stalking and/or sexual or domestic violence. It would tear your heart out. Also, I'd be worried that she had to come to someone with your twisted opinions for advice and comfort.
Now, I also take issue with what you said to your daughter about how Mommy needs to only say positive and nice things to people all the time. Not true. I would suggest that PEOPLE LIKE YOU need to be told how incredibly uneducated, unintelligent and unfeeling they are. I would like to thank you for opening your mouth and speaking on national television every day, just as I thank people like Fred Phelps for exposing who he really is. It's not your fault; you're a product of a misogynistic world. The difference is, you seem to have embraced it.
Your recent comments about ESPN reporter Erin Andrews were not only stupid, they also came on the heels of two high profile cases of domestic violence events: the murder of Yeardley Love by her ex-boyfriend and the kidnapping of Venus Stewart, allegedly by her estranged husband. You may not think that the stalking of Erin Andrews has much to do with these cases but you're wrong. Then again, you're often wrong. But here is why it was particularly egregious this time.
Women have always been victim/survivors of domestic and sexual violence. Unfortunately, none of this is new. But in just 7 days time, two young women have suffered unbelievable acts at the hands of men who were obsessed with them and obsessed with having power over them. When Michael Barrett targeted Erin Andrews, he violated her privacy, her spirit, her heart and her mind. What he did was extremely similar to the murder of Yeardley Love and the kidnapping and possible murder of Venus Stewart. All of the acts--the murder, the kidnapping and the stalking--were committed by men who felt they had the right to take a woman's power away by any means necessary. This has been happening to women for centuries. It also happens to men but on a much smaller scale.
Victim blaming is also nothing new. Endless research shows that men and women tend to dissect situations of domestic and sexual violence in order to find what the VICTIM did wrong. And no one is perfect--but no one deserves to be abused, no matter what anyone thinks they might have done. But your comments about Ms. Andrews situation suggest that you believe she is in some way encouraging the abuse that has been heaped upon her in recent months. Elizabeth, if all women and men who were victims of stalking and/or abuse stayed home with the shades drawn, there would be very few people out walking around. I applaud Ms. Andrews for taking back her power, for dancing her ass off on national television and for saying, "I'm not going to let the actions of a twisted, broken man stop me from living the most exciting life I can."
During your tearful apology on The View, you mentioned your daughter and how she opened your eyes to what you had done. I'm concerned that it took a 5 year old to explain that to you but let's really drive that point home: I hope that you NEVER have to watch your own daughter deal with the repercussions of stalking and/or sexual or domestic violence. It would tear your heart out. Also, I'd be worried that she had to come to someone with your twisted opinions for advice and comfort.
Now, I also take issue with what you said to your daughter about how Mommy needs to only say positive and nice things to people all the time. Not true. I would suggest that PEOPLE LIKE YOU need to be told how incredibly uneducated, unintelligent and unfeeling they are. I would like to thank you for opening your mouth and speaking on national television every day, just as I thank people like Fred Phelps for exposing who he really is. It's not your fault; you're a product of a misogynistic world. The difference is, you seem to have embraced it.
Friday, February 5, 2010
And This Weeks "Oopie Doopie" Award Goes To...
Sooooo...I am as concerned (if not more) as the average person about the children of Haiti. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose one or both parents in a terrifying, devastating earth quake. My heart goes out to each and every one of those children and if I can ever do anything beyond sending donations to the Red Cross, I certainly will.
What I WON'T do is get on an airplane with my church group, arrive in Port-au-Prince and begin rounding up children who may or may not be orphans and start marching them out of their country into a different country, expecting to collect $10,000 per kid. All because GOD TOLD ME TO. What. the. fuck.
Now, I don't know God personally but I'm willing to be that he isn't sitting...wherever...willing his children to do really stupid things. This is all about the arrogance of a group of Christian white folks--from IDAHO, land of 10,000 Nazis-- who decided that it would be best if they took it upon themselves to save the children. If they had been black folks, I would say the same thing. But guess what? Black folks wouldn't do this.
Black folks aren't perfect but due to some historical--and current--events, we generally frown upon taking people's children away. Mostly because it's either been done to us or it's happened to someone we know. Now I'm not saying these people didn't have the most honorable intentions. I mean...I'd like to think they did. But who the hell knows?? Monsters come in many, many forms and as we've all learned in the last 10 years, people who traffic children, rape children and systematically abuse children for years are generally a) white and b) claim religion as their defense.
I can see the meeting in the church basement now....
"We've got to go to Haiti and help those poor children!"
"You're right, Laura. God would want us to."
"What can we do? I'll do anything to help!"
"That's because you're a good Christian woman. I say we fly to Haiti, round up those poor orphaned children and take them to...I don't know...the Dominican Republic? Any place would be better than the hell they're living in now."
"Absolutely. It shouldn't be too hard. I mean, the country is a mess right now. I'm sure those poor AIDS stricken devastated black people would REALLY APPRECIATE us with all our money, bibles and whiteness coming in and just taking control of the situation."
"Sure, we'll just tell them God told us to."
"Oh, and p.s., this couldn't come at a better time because I'm totally broke and could really use the money."
What's that you say?? The church leader who cooked up this willy nilly idea is broke?! Yes, that's right, ladies and gentleman. Laura Silsby is notorious in Idaho for being the Princess of Unpaid Wages and Home Foreclosures. She is also the church group leader. 88 kids at $10,000 a pop is a lot of money, certainly enough to get Ms. Silsby out of debt and off Idaho's shit list.
But...oopie doopie, not so fast. It turns out that the Haitian government was just getting real serious about protecting children from predators who thrive in these kind of situations. It begs the question: whose side was God on? When he put out the "save the children" call, maybe he was trying to save them from YOU.
Let me know how Haitian jail is. I'm sure it's lovely this time of year.
What I WON'T do is get on an airplane with my church group, arrive in Port-au-Prince and begin rounding up children who may or may not be orphans and start marching them out of their country into a different country, expecting to collect $10,000 per kid. All because GOD TOLD ME TO. What. the. fuck.
Now, I don't know God personally but I'm willing to be that he isn't sitting...wherever...willing his children to do really stupid things. This is all about the arrogance of a group of Christian white folks--from IDAHO, land of 10,000 Nazis-- who decided that it would be best if they took it upon themselves to save the children. If they had been black folks, I would say the same thing. But guess what? Black folks wouldn't do this.
Black folks aren't perfect but due to some historical--and current--events, we generally frown upon taking people's children away. Mostly because it's either been done to us or it's happened to someone we know. Now I'm not saying these people didn't have the most honorable intentions. I mean...I'd like to think they did. But who the hell knows?? Monsters come in many, many forms and as we've all learned in the last 10 years, people who traffic children, rape children and systematically abuse children for years are generally a) white and b) claim religion as their defense.
I can see the meeting in the church basement now....
"We've got to go to Haiti and help those poor children!"
"You're right, Laura. God would want us to."
"What can we do? I'll do anything to help!"
"That's because you're a good Christian woman. I say we fly to Haiti, round up those poor orphaned children and take them to...I don't know...the Dominican Republic? Any place would be better than the hell they're living in now."
"Absolutely. It shouldn't be too hard. I mean, the country is a mess right now. I'm sure those poor AIDS stricken devastated black people would REALLY APPRECIATE us with all our money, bibles and whiteness coming in and just taking control of the situation."
"Sure, we'll just tell them God told us to."
"Oh, and p.s., this couldn't come at a better time because I'm totally broke and could really use the money."
What's that you say?? The church leader who cooked up this willy nilly idea is broke?! Yes, that's right, ladies and gentleman. Laura Silsby is notorious in Idaho for being the Princess of Unpaid Wages and Home Foreclosures. She is also the church group leader. 88 kids at $10,000 a pop is a lot of money, certainly enough to get Ms. Silsby out of debt and off Idaho's shit list.
But...oopie doopie, not so fast. It turns out that the Haitian government was just getting real serious about protecting children from predators who thrive in these kind of situations. It begs the question: whose side was God on? When he put out the "save the children" call, maybe he was trying to save them from YOU.
Let me know how Haitian jail is. I'm sure it's lovely this time of year.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
And the First Weekly WTF Award Goes To....
Paul Warner Powell, Virginia Death Row Inmate.
I'm not normally one to campaign for another human being's death, although I will admit I felt a twinge of disappointment when Rush Limbaugh told everyone he was in good health. But for real...THIS GUY...is not only an evil piece of shit, he is also REALLY, REALLY STUPID.
Apparently murderer/rapist/total waste of space Paul Powell saw the movie Double Jeopardy and while he was surely entranced by Ashley Judd's performance, he also gathered a little legal advice. Thinking he couldn't be re-tried for the same crime, Smarty McBrainy wrote a letter to the County Attorney in which he confessed, in great detail, that killing 16-year old Stacie Reed and brutally raping and attempting to kill her 14-year old sister was no accident and that he in fact planned to kill the entire family. Why? Because Stacie Reed wouldn't have sex with him. Oh, and she was dating a black man.
So then when Brainiac Jones decided to appeal his death sentence, the prosecutor gave the Supreme Court not only his letter to the County Attorney, which you can read here (starting at the bottom of page 7), they were also given copies of a letter he sent to his victims' mother (a taunting note attached to a cut out of a pornographic photo of a woman who resembled her murdered daughter) AND a note he sent to a friend who he asked to call his surviving victim and threaten her life if she moved forward to testify against him.
GENIUS.
Congratulations Paul Powell, Virginia Death Row Inmate. You win my first WTF Award. Just for being YOU.
I'm not normally one to campaign for another human being's death, although I will admit I felt a twinge of disappointment when Rush Limbaugh told everyone he was in good health. But for real...THIS GUY...is not only an evil piece of shit, he is also REALLY, REALLY STUPID.
Apparently murderer/rapist/total waste of space Paul Powell saw the movie Double Jeopardy and while he was surely entranced by Ashley Judd's performance, he also gathered a little legal advice. Thinking he couldn't be re-tried for the same crime, Smarty McBrainy wrote a letter to the County Attorney in which he confessed, in great detail, that killing 16-year old Stacie Reed and brutally raping and attempting to kill her 14-year old sister was no accident and that he in fact planned to kill the entire family. Why? Because Stacie Reed wouldn't have sex with him. Oh, and she was dating a black man.
So then when Brainiac Jones decided to appeal his death sentence, the prosecutor gave the Supreme Court not only his letter to the County Attorney, which you can read here (starting at the bottom of page 7), they were also given copies of a letter he sent to his victims' mother (a taunting note attached to a cut out of a pornographic photo of a woman who resembled her murdered daughter) AND a note he sent to a friend who he asked to call his surviving victim and threaten her life if she moved forward to testify against him.
GENIUS.
Congratulations Paul Powell, Virginia Death Row Inmate. You win my first WTF Award. Just for being YOU.
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