I was in 2nd grade, washing my hands at the big round sink that had the thing you stepped on to make the water come out. Remember those? Those were awesome. Another 2nd grader stood across from me, washing her hands. She eyed me and asked, "What's your name?"
"Jenny", I said, without missing a beat.
That's right: Jenny. Why did I lie? Because to an 8 year old, "Dresden" is way too complicated.
Dear Parents-to-Be: I urge you to consider the following things when selecting a name for your fetus:
1. Spelling is important. Don't name your kid Madison and spell it some stupid way, like Madysson. Maybe just don't name your kid Madison.
2. Pronunciation is something you should probably go ahead and get over. Understand that if you name your child Andrea but pronounce it "Aun-drea-ah" or "Aun-dree-uh", people are going to call your kid "An-dree-uh." Know that your child will spend her entire life correcting people who read her name off a piece of paper. Additionally, because you are 1/4th Irish, if you name your kid Saoirse, you can't get uppity when people have no idea that your child's name is pronounced "seer-she." Why would anyone not in Ireland know that?
3. If you give your child a crazy name, they will spend the rest of their life explaining that crazy name to people.
For instance: a crazy name like Dresden.
Just in case you didn't know (and many people I've encountered over the years have not), Dresden is a city in Germany. It was bombed to pieces in World War II. Apparently, it was a beautiful city until Hitler came and fucked it all up. Then the United States bombed it. I blame Hitler.
My parents were two idiots who should not have been allowed to name children at their young age. My father was 22 when my mother was pregnant with my brother. He wanted to name the baby Tugg if it was a boy. Tugg. This is the name a 22 year old boy obsessed with baseball and Tugg McGraw would find suitable. My mother perfered the name Rafferty. Rafferty. Where the hell did she even come up with that? In the end, they decided that McGraw was an acceptale compromise. I wish I had been there, in the same way I wish I'd been at the Enron board meetings, because I would have said, "Are you sure that's a good idea?"
Then came me. Apparently the names being tossed around included Vada (which I'm keeping in my back pocket for my future career as a porn star) and Mackenzie. My mother blames the actress Mackenzie Phillips for being a "drug head" and ruining the name. I blame my parents' over-inflated love of literature and Kurt Vonnegut for naming me Dresden.
Oh, this name. I've had it for 34 years and it never gets any easier. When I call to make an appointment anywhere:
"Your name?"
"Dresden Jones."
"I'm sorry, can you spell that?"
"Yep. D-r-e-s-d-e-n."
"And your first name?"
"That is my first name. My last name is Jones."
"Oh! Oh, ok. I'm sorry! Gosh, what a unique name!"
When I get called at the doctor's office:
"Dree-zzz-dine...Destin....Jones...?"
When talking to someone I just met in a social situation:
"I just think we ought to reform health care. You know what I mean, right Deirdre?"
"Dresden."
"What?"
"My name is Dresden."
"Oh, right. Sorry. Anyway, Destiny...."
The first five minutes of every job interview:
"So...Dresden...am I saying that right?"
"Yep!"
"What an interesting name! Isn't that a city in Germany?"
"It sure is."
"I've been to Egypt but never Germany. Are you German?"
"Nope, not even a little bit."
"Oh. Well, is your father in the military?"
"Um, no...."
"Oh. So...why did they name you Dresden?"
"They just liked the name, I guess."
"Well that's different. Do you have any siblings?"
"Yes, I have two sisters and a brother."
"And what are their names?"
"McGraw, Channing and Evan."
"Evan...that's pretty normal."
"Well...she's a girl, so..."
"Well my goodness! So unique! My kids are James and Sarah. Not very interesting. Have you ever been to Germany?"
When talking to older people who lived through WWII:
"Dresden...well that's a crazy name. How'd you get that? Ever been to Germany? My 4 best friends all died in World War II. It was horrible. Worst time of my life. Why in the hell would your parents name you Dresden?"
I am not the only Dresden, believe it or not. There are several young men named Dresden and my doppelganger, a mixed race woman about my age, apparently lives somewhere in Tennessee. Also--and this is my favorite Dresden--a white supremacist family living in Idaho has a daughter named Dresden. Her older twin sisters, Lamb and Lynx, are the Nelson of the racist musical underworld. I shit you not; look it up.
The other thing is, I detest German culture. I get to say that because I studied German for years in an effort to love my namesake, or, namensvetter. German culture is depressing, dark and truly weird. Remember the SNL skit Sprockets? Yep, it's a lot like that. Only not funny. Don't believe me? Watch a German film, like Das Boot or Christiane F. Keep in mind, as well, that this is a country that literally constructed a dividing wall because they couldn't agree on how to run the place. Like a goth teenage girl putting a "DO NOT ENTER" sign on her bedroom door. The doctor who created The Human Centipede? German. Adolf Hitler? Austrian, which is pretty much German. Rye bread? German.
Thanks to my parents, you can't have a normal name in my family. If I had a baby and told my family that I was naming her Jessica, they would react as if I'd decided to name my child Poop Snot. Occasionally, my mother will call me and tell me about a name she came across and don't I love it? I have to remind her that she can't be trusted with names. The only part of naming that my mother is right about is the middle name: it must be one syllable and one syllable only. I totally agree.
I have decided that all my children should be named after European cities. Milan. Berlin. Dusseldorf.
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