I'm no politico (which I can only assume is Italian for "douchebag") but I can't help having an opinion on the current candidates for the Republican presidential nomination. Between the vague but catchy numerical plans to fix our economy and the endless debates, how can one not have an opinion? I am, after all, an opinionated woman. Again, my qualifications to determine the merit of one's political prowess are only slightly stronger than Donald Trump's. But I need to get this out because my television must be growing tired of me yelling, "Is this a fucking joke" at it.
And so, in no particular order, I opine on the motley crue currently vying to lead America (sorry Motley Crue!).
Herman Cain: I know very little about this man. My father worked with him decades ago; he was a franchisee for Burger King and my father did some contract consulting for Burger King. Now, I cannot judge him based on his behavior in that context. After all, no one can be expected to conduct himself rationally in a flame broiled environment.
Here's what I do know: I hate Godfather's Pizza. When I was a kid, there was a Godfather's Pizza near my house. Whenever I was forced to eat there, I was overwhelmed by sadness. Who wouldn't be sad while choking down the shittiest pizza in the entire world? I really don't know anything about his political qualifications. But if he plans to hold this country to the same sub-standards that he uses for pizza, he ain't gettin' my vote. Plus I am automatically suspect of any black man who wants to be a part of the Tea Party. I bet he skis, too.
Mitt Romney: Everyone is making a big deal about this guy. He's Mormon. He's boring. He looks as if he's made of shiny, taut plastic. He must spend a small fortune on pomade. Blah blah blah. No one seems to be bothered by the two things that seriously concern me about this guy.
He's a nervous laugher. We've all known these people; they smile and laugh at inappropriate times. It's a nervous habit. If he were just a normal guy not running for president, this wouldn't bother me. But I don't want my president to respond to the question, "How do you plan to address the the fact that an overwhelming number of US citizens cannot afford health care?" with a giggle.
I'd also like to know how we plan to defend ourselves against the fact that our president's name is Mitt. That alone leaves us open to any number of attacks. If a guy named Mitt told me he had a solution to the jobless rate, I would tell him to call me when the shuttle lands. However, if a guy named Mitt offered to pay for the party keg, that would feel just right.
Rick Perry: Rick Perry is angry. As his numbers have slipped, he has become more and more hostile. This should be a red flag, considering he will encounter any number of frustrating situations during his presidency. Urgency is one thing. Baby tantrum rage is quite another.
But my main issue with Rick Perry is his wife. I appreciate that wives and husbands of people running for office are going to defend their spouse. And I certainly don't mean to imply that Anita Thigpen Perry should stand motionless and silent next to her husband. But please....stop trying to garner sympathy for your husband because of how he's been attacked by the media and the other candidates. He's running for president. If he was just a guy going to Wal-Mart and the other shoppers suddenly began pointing out all his flaws, well, that would be sad. And weird. But like I told Britney Spears: if you want everyone to stop calling you trashy, stop going into gas station bathrooms barefoot.
Michele Bachmann: I'm a Minnesotan, which means I am very familiar with Michele, or, as I like to call her, Beelzebub. I actually have sympathy for old Beelz. Being a beard is hard. I played that role on a number of awkward occasions at various weddings and family reunions. But for God's sake, I didn't marry it! Rookie mistake, sweetie. Rookie mistake.
Recently, Michele (one "L" and that stands for "Lucifer", FYI) started shopping her latest bill, which would force women getting abortions to see an ultrasound picture of the fetus and hear the heartbeat before the procedure. You know what? I'm willing to sign off on it. But only if we can also create audio of what it does to someone's heart, mind and soul every time you and your squad of assholes condemn them for being who they are. That's a loud, ugly sound, Beelzebub, and God ain't nowhere in it. Also, I vote for an auditory study of what's happening in your husband's mind. I can't say for sure but I'm betting it's real danceable and has a heavy baseline.
Newt Gingrich: Seriously? I'm getting sleepy; what little energy I have left can't be wasted on this tool.
Rick Santorum: Someone recently said to me, "Your name reminds people of suffering." It's true; I was named after a city that was bombed to shreds in WWII. But at least my name doesn't remind people of this. But you have to give it to a guy who keeps on keepin' on even after his family name has been reduced to poop and lube. Many could not have come back from that. It looks like Rick won't be able to, either.
Ron Paul: Ron Paul wrote a book called The Revolution: A Manifesto. My ears perk up and bells and whistles go off when I hear certain words and phrases, like, "The more people you recruit, the more money you can make"; "vegan"; and "manifesto." Know who else has written a manifesto? Anders Behring Breivik, the guy who killed all those folks in Norway this past summer. Valerie Solanas, the woman who shot Andy Warhol. The Unibomber. Clearly a manifesto is not something a sane person writes. Therefore, I do not believe Ron Paul to be playing with a full deck of cards.
There is nothing about any of this that is not delightful. I've heard a lot of people say that they are disappointed in Obama; that he has been soft on certain things; that he hasn't followed through on some of the things he promised during his campaign. He certainly hasn't done a flawless job and he's made a lot of mistakes. But long ago, when people were running their mouths on CNN, MSNBC, Fox "News", etc a mere 20 days after Obama began his term, about how he wasn't doing what he should be doing, I offered this: anyone who had taken office after GWB was basically being handed a giant pile of shit. Just a tin plate piled high with dung. Two wars, an economy in the toilet, more people than ever without affordable, quality health care, etc, etc, etc.
But this was no average Tupperware container packed with turds. These turds had been mixed with thousands of tiny shards of broken glass and we expected Obama to hand pick every single shard of glass out of a pile of deuces without a) cutting himself and b) getting any shit underneath his nails. These were the only measures of success.
But even if Obama had spent the last 3 years mooning the press and responding to every question with a cry of, "By the power of Greyskull: I have the power!" he would still be a more acceptable option compared to the clown car full of assholes the Republicans are putting forth as their best and brightest. The may as well have set a chicken on a podium at a press conference.
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