I hope that you have girl babies and I hope they have terrible acne and get harassed by a little bitch named Allison.

If you were teased a lot in school (as I was), you will inevitably have weird, awkward moments as an adult with the people who made your life miserable as a child. You’ll be minding your own business in the produce section at Lunds when suddenly—
“Dresden? Dresden Jones? OH MY GOD, we went to ELEMENTARY SCHOOL together! How ARE you?”

If you’re anything like me, you will, at first, have no earthly idea who this person is. Then slowly, the recognition will start to wash over you. And while this person is chattering on and on about her job, her kids and “Hey, do you still talk to what’s-her-face,” you’ll be having a swell of dark, terrible memories about the girl who pantsed you in front of the whole lunch room in 5th grade.

Of course, you have your super fantastic fantasy reaction:

“Hey. Allison. Yeah, I’m just gonna stop you there and go ahead and remind you that you’re the stank ho who ruined my life when I was 11 years old. You may be wondering, how can she remember something that happened so long ago? Well, Allison, I’ll tell ya; because just like every other fucking kid in the world, I walked into the cafeteria with the hope that I could get my goddamned pizza burger with a side of French fries and sit my fat ass down with the 3 friends I had, have a lovely fucking time and go back to my business. But no. You decided that it would be hilarious to expose my pink floral panties to the entire 5th and 6th grade classes. And why did you do this? Because you were—and likely still are—an awful fucking person. So, if you don’t mind, I’d like to purchase some goddamned arugula and pablano peppers in peace and not have to take a fucking trip down memory lane with your dumb ass. Also, I hope that you have girl babies and I hope they have terrible acne and get harassed by a little bitch named Allison.”

Yes. That is a reaction you have. In your head.

In reality, you stand there with a tense half smile on your face, nodding and wrestling with yourself. “God, get over it, Dresden. She was a kid, you were a kid. Yeah but…look at her, she looks like she’s still a big bitch. Oh my God, I don’t care that you have kids and work at an insurance company. What I would like to know is, why are you talking to me?! We were never friends!!!!”

I’d like to thank Al Gore and Mark Zuckerberg for making this dilemma ten thousand times worse. Because now, not only do I risk running into these assholes at the gas station; I also have to worry about them friend requesting me.

This horrendous girl who called me every single day the summer between 5th and 6th grade to tell me how fat I was keeps. Friend. Requesting. Me. I have denied her friend requests several times but we happen to have 3 mutual Facebook friends. Every time I comment on a mutual friend’s Facebook page (which isnt often), she takes this as an invitation to try again.

There are 3 paths I can take: the path of forgiving and forgetting, the path of silence or the path of “let me just lay this out for you, honey”.

The path of forgiving and forgetting means I accept her friend request and smile through as she “likes” things that I post. I turn it all over to The Big Guy and quietly move on with my life. Let’s face it—that just ain’t gonna happen. I’d like to be the picture of emotional health but I live in the real world part time and Dresden’s World the other part of the time.

The path of silence means I just keep ignoring her friend requests and chalk her persistence up to delusion. Or maybe she’ll stop. That would be cool.

The path of “let me just lay this out for you, honey” means I send her a carefully worded email about the fact that a) we were never friends and b) you were a stank ho. I’m paraphrasing, of course.

But more to the point, have you completely forgotten that entire 3 month period? At one point, my mother called her mother and they argued about it. Apparently, this child’s mother thought it was perfectly ok that her daughter was doing this. My hand to God, if I ever have a kid who bullies other kids, there will be hell to pay.

So I choose to send her a message about why I keep denying her friend requests. I’ll be gracious. For now.