Things you should never say to black people (and by "black people" I mean "anyone").

1. "I have a lot of black friends." No you don't. In fact, I'm willing to bet if you ever met a black person, they would hate you. A lot.

2. "My best friend is black." If by "best friend" you mean "the woman who sits in the cube next to mine who I smile at every morning", then yes; your best friend is black.

3. "I've always wanted to have sex with a black woman/man." And now you never will.

4. "I had sex with a black woman once. She was a hooker." A man actually said that to me once. He was also missing a tooth. A front tooth.

5. "You're the first black woman I've ever slept with." Great; here's your paperwork. You'll need to see a notary in order to officially be granted the title White Dude Who Had Sex with a Black Woman.

6. "Can I touch your hair?" Can I touch your ass?

7. "Do you know Random Person Who Also Happens to be Black?" Yes, we all know each other. Actually, there are only 4 of us; the rest is all mirrors.

8. "Black people are such great singers." Clearly you've never met my father. Or my brother.

9. "Do you use the word 'nigger?' Why is it ok for black people to say 'nigger' but white people can't say 'nigger?'" Well you've just said it three times, asshole. And just because I'm standing here doesn't make it acceptable.

10. "I'm 1/16th African American." I'm 1/16th impressed.