This is why I could never be a superhero

My favorite part of going to the movies is really the previews. I like to see what terrible films Ben Affleck and Kate Hudson plan to terrorize me with. When I saw Black Swan, there was a preview for Sucker Punch, a "girls can do anything boys can do, only better and in way cuter outfits" flick. From what I gathered, a hot chick is thrown into a psych ward merely for defending herself against a man and a hot dominatrix-type with smokey eyes shows her that the keys to freedom lie within her imagination. She meets a guru-esque older gentleman, who explains how she will find what she seeks (freedom? Happiness? Self confidence? A new cherry red lipstick?). He tells her she must find 5 things: a map, a key, fire, a knife and a mystery. While watching this exchange, I imagine all the questions I would have for the guru; questions that would totally derail the whole spiritual process. This may be my whole problem in life.

"You need to find five things: a map--"

Wait, a map of what? Like a globe or a flat map? Of the world or just the United States? Or wait--like a Mapquest map? Like turn-by-turn directions? More information would help, I'm just sayin'....

"...a key..."

A key to what? A car key? A skeleton key? Does it need to open something or is it just a symbolic key? Wait, wait--am I taking this too literally? Do you mean, like, the key to your heart? Or an answer key? Like to a test? Is this a test? Is there going to be a test?

"...a knife..."

A butter knife? A paring knife? A bread knife? A little knife? Or is it a big knife? I mean...there are a lot of knives out there. Also...will there be many knives and I have to figure out which one is the right one? Or will I just know that it's the right knife? Or will there only be one knife and that's definitely 100% for sure the knife you're talking about? Throw me a bone, dude.

"...fire..."

Wait, what? What do you mean? What do you mean, 'fire'? How do you bring back fire? Is it in candle form? A torch? Or do I just need to find a lighter? Oh--do I need to make a fire? Like using a rock and a magnifying glass or something? Is it a firePLACE? I really don't know how the hell I can bring you fire. What if I burn the fuck up? What then? Then this whole thing will have been a giant waste of time.

"...and a mystery."

Ok, now you're just fucking with me. This whole goddamned thing is a mystery! Is this...are you...am I being punked or whatever? For real, I'm not busting my ass for nothing. What did you say your name was again? Do you have a degree or something? I call bullshit.