History is Hot.

I’ve recently started watching The Tudors, which was a series on Showtime about King Henry VIII and all his wives and craziness. Jonathan Rhys Meyers plays King Henry with perfect insanity, which might be because Jonathan Rhys Meyers is also insane. Either way, apparently he did nothing but lift weights and eat olive oil and chicken prior to filming because he’s in fantastic shape; I stopped counting how many times he’s shirtless, with his trousers sagged low so we can all see his...abs. According to Showtime, King Henry VIII was the hottest, sweatiest, most passionate man to have ever walked the Earth. This works for me.


I am obsessed with this show. 14th century England is so much more interesting in the hands of cable. As is ancient Rome (HBO’s Rome was a great show, too.) Until I started watching The Tudors, I had no idea that everyone was super hot back then. Also, we need to figure out what they were eating or drinking or what books they were reading that made their sex lives so amazing. Sure, every now and again, something happens that makes you wince. Like when King Henry betroths his 6 year old daughter Mary to a 30 year old Spanish prince. Or when they burn Lutherans at the stake. Those are the moments when you go, “Ok...maybe living back then wouldn’t have been so incredibly sexy.” But then King Henry VIII takes his shirt off and does Anne Boleyn against a tree and you’re like, “Well I’m not a Lutheran anyway.”

There have also been a few moments where I think to myself, “Why is there always a fire burning in every room” or “I don’t understand why they’re all so amused by this court jester.” Then I remember that they didn’t have electricity or laptops or reality tv or Twitter, so a burning fire was necessary and the court jester was an alternative to hours and hours of needle point. Know what else was an alternative?  Sex.  Lots and lots of dirty, dirty adulterous sex.

Imagine if Little House on the Prairie was on HBO or Showtime. It would have been a totally different show. Ma would have gotten a new stove but Half Pint would have had to do horrible things in the back of the store with Mr. Olson in order to pay for it. When Mary went blind, her husband would have totally pulled that scene from 9 and 1/2 Weeks, when Mickey Rourke blindfolded Kim Basinger and fed her hot peppers and honey. Shirts would always be off and a simple task, like chopping wood, would turn into rippling, sweaty muscles, heaving breasts and a romp in a pile of sawdust.

I think we can all agree that, thanks to cable, we all know how sexy and sweaty history is.