Open Letter to Some Bullies

Dear bitches:

You may have noticed that there is a lot of news focused on bullying these days.  Tragically, some children are taking their own lives because of the way other kids are treating them.  It’s terrible, isn’t it? This has made many of us think back to our childhood days, when we may have been bullied or have been the bully ourselves.   You may be standing in your fantastic kitchen, watching Oprah and thinking to yourself, “I don’t think I ever bullied anyone....”  But you did.  You bullied me.

When I reflect on my bullying experience, I quickly recall My First Bullies, Amy Rosenbaum and Jacqui Eicholt, relentlessly pursuing me in the hallways of our elementary school to let me know that you thought I was fat and ugly.  Amy, with your short stature and puckered little brace-face; Jacqui with your tall, willowy frame and pinched, harsh features.  I’m pretty sure it all started when your little brother, Jacqui, was being a dick and I told him so.  That really set you off.  Had I known how sensitive you were about your brother, perhaps I would have chosen a softer descriptive, like “jerk” or “insensitive person.”  But who knows, that still may have triggered such a harsh response.  As we later came to understand, you were having some food issues that hadn’t yet manifested themselves.  I really should have been more compassionate.

Make no mistake, you two weren’t the only assholes I encountered in my formative years.  I went on to the horrors of junior high, where Amanda Arnold called my house every day and screamed a string of insults at me before hanging up.  Poor Amanda Arnold.  As a 12 year old, I didn’t fully grasp the urgency of your situation.  Back then, it was difficult to be white trash in Golden Valley.  Golden Valley, while neither golden nor a valley, was pretty middle to upper-middle class and as I recall, your family fell far beyond the acceptable parameters.  I realize now that your aggression towards me had more to do with your own feelings of inadequacy and fear that you might end up on the pole some day.  Times were tough for you.

By the time I got to my first high school, I was used to the fat jokes and the racist undertones of my white classmate’s comments.  Meh; I found friends that liked me for who I was and I understood that high school was but a bump in the road.  Tony Johnson, you screaming “fat ass” at me down the hallway barely fazed me.  After all, I know now that your own metabolism was slowly coming to a halt and all those years of eating your feelings chased you like the echoes of “fat ass” down the Armstrong hallway and wow...they caught you.  You also felt the need to grow a sad little mustache, which, if we’re being honest, isn’t the best choice for your face shape....

Truth be told, by many standards, I didn’t face that much bullying.  I went to college, did a lot of things I’m very proud of and have many people in my life who love me.  So, overall, not a big deal.  But...I’m a realist.  What does that mean?  It means that when I run into you and you go, “Oh my GOD, Dresden Jones?!  Wow, it’s been SO LONG since I’ve seen you!  How ARE you?!?!?!” chances are my response won’t be, “Holy shit, Amanda Arnold!  It’s SO GOOD to see you!  What are you up to these days?!?!?!”  First of all, I won’t have any idea who you are.  I may be the only brown girl you went to school with but I’ve been surrounded by white folks my whole life and y’all start to look the same after a while.  So you’ll likely get a blank stare, followed by rapid blinking and, “I’m sorry...do I know you?”

Then when you squeal, “It’s Amanda McCooter!  Well, that’s my MARRIED name; you’d remember me as Amanda ARNOLD.  We went to junior high together!” don’t be surprised if I raise an eyebrow.  If you persist, don't be offended when I remind you that you were pretty much sucked balls when we knew each other.

Now, when discussing the hot topic of bullying with other adults, people have said, “That was years ago.  None of that matters anymore.  Besides, didn’t you ever bully anyone?”

1.  Absolutely, it was in fact years ago.  But I’m not a liar.  If you were an asshole, even if it was a hundred years ago, that’s what you are to me.  I’m not going to pretend we were friends and that I ever liked you.  Why are you doing that?  Don't you think that's weird?  Is it out of guilt or are you just really fucking stupid?
2.  Nope, I never did.  I beat up a kid once for making fun of my sister.  But I didn’t stalk him and call him names.  I went to the playground, asked him if he was the little shit who was being mean to my sister and then I kicked him in the nuts.  That was the end of it.  To “bully” means to be habitually cruel and demeaning to a specific target or targets.  I never did that to anyone.

Do I want apologies from my bullies?  No; this isn't a romantic comedy.  Would I change my experiences? No; we all grow and learn from our experiences and we come out the other end better, hopefully.  But as you former bullies reflect on this topic of bullying, admit your mistakes to yourself don’t waste time feeling bad because you were a little shit; there are far more important things to do.  Like loving the children in your lives and teaching them not to hate.  Just because you were a throbbing little asshole doesn’t mean your spawn have to be.

Hope to never run into you at Panera,

D