Many people in my life have told me that when they first met me, they were "intimidated." I never understood this. Is it because I'm tall? A person of color in a land of Scandinavians? No. I learned around Junior year of college that it's because I often lack the ability to censor myself. If someone is telling me something that I think is stupid, I would often say (in my younger years), "Well that's just stupid." Now, I also had the ability to tell them why it was stupid, so it's not like I was just walking around peeing on everyone's fire. But I didn't hold much--if anything--back. As I've gotten older and wiser--no. That's a lie. It has nothing to do with age. I worked for ten years in non-profits. I emceed rallies at the state capitol on Violence Against Women Action Day. I had heated discussions with chemical dependency counselors who didn't--or wouldn't--understand AIDS. I've taken police officers and nurses to task about their shitty handling of sexual assault cases. For ten years, I got paid to get fired up and tell people they were wrong. Now I work in the corporate world. I have learned (because I've been told to learn) how to have poker face in meetings where the discussion is ridiculous. It's easy, you have the fleeting, "What the fuck..." thought. Then you nod, even if you vehemently DISAGREE with what's being said because, let's face it, you are no longer dealing with life-or-death issues; just corporate nonsense. Then you look down at your paper and doodle because if you don't look away, you will accidentally give someone "Are you crazy" face. Through this forced learning, I have actually begun to apply this to other parts of my life. This is a good skill to have on first dates or when meeting someone's significant other. Because, let's face it: I'm not going to feel better about myself if I say to my friend's boyfriend, "You know, I'm not really interested in NASCAR but you seem to have an unhealthy obsession with it, which leads me to believe that we probably can't have a conversation about anything significant." Here's a healthy example: a few months ago, I got into a ridiculous argument with some 23 year old idiot about dreadlocks at a bar. I don't know how or why it started but it was fueled by many beers and cocktails. Just as I was about to get all Me about it, I said, "You know what? I'm going to buy you a beer." And I did. And he said thank you. And I felt good about myself.
But all bets are off when you get all up in my life and start fucking things up.
Random bar guy? Whatevs. Friend's lame boyfriend? Not worth it. Someone who unfortunately becomes a significant part of my life? Totally different. I have two roads: the low road where I make you cry real tears of sorrow; and the high road where I simply freeze you out and pretend you don't exist. Here's the thing: when you go away, please stay away. There is a real, valid, serious reason why I haven't talked to you in over two years. There is nothing good that I will say to you. I'm trying really, really hard to be a better person, I swear to God. But nobody's perfect. So I will take the high road. I will pretend you don't exist in an effort to keep my space as uncomplicated as possible. But don't push it. Because if you do, I have no choice but the low road.
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