This is What Y'all Need to Do When I Die

I don't need to write a will because, well, let's face it:  None of y'all bitches get any of my shit!

So instead, here are instructions on what to do once my body is discovered on some toilet somewhere in Eastern Europe.

1.  Remove body from toilet.
2.  Clean that shit up.
3.  Fly me back to Minnesota.
4.  Dress me in something yellow and place me gently in my bed.  My mother would be thrilled to find that I finally took her suggestion and wore yellow.
5.  Place a well used copy of Race Matters by Cornell West in my hands.  My father will be proud.
6.  Hire someone to play a doctor.  Have him say "She went peacefully...natural causes.  In fact, we're pretty sure she died of happiness."
7.  When the questions start, deny, deny, deny.
8.  No open casket; in fact, don't put me in any coffin but let the people think I'm in there. 
9. Play "All By Myself" on a boombox.  Not an iPod or a CD player.  Play a tape on a boombox.
10.  Cremate my remains.  Ooooh that's sad.  Now stop crying, you've got some travelling to do.
11.  Organize a completely pointless, drug and alcohol fueled vacation to someplace exotic and expensive.  Tell everyone I wanted my ashes scattered there.  "There" being wherever you are going.  I don't give a shit.
12.  Party harder than you ever have in your whole lives.  At least one traveler must break down sobbing, hugging the urn holding my ashes, screaming, "Whhhhy???  WHY?!"  Also, someone must awkwardly suggest that everyone mix a spoonful of my ashes into a cocktail so I'll always be with you.  And, ok, you must sojourn with me at least once during the trip.  A sojourn to the nearest mall is acceptable.
13.  Remember in horror in the cab to the airport that you've left my ashes in the hotel room.
14.  Go get me.
15.  Take me back to Minnesota.
16.  Scatter my ashes into Lake Superior.  Then sit quietly on the beach while children frolick and play in the lake waters.  Laugh quietly thinking about how gross that is.