This is an actual phone call that occurred in 1994 or 1995 between myself and my mother.
Ring, ring.
Me: Hello?
Mom: Dresden? It's your mother. (This is how my mother always identified herself when she called me at college. She always sounded mad, no matter what she was calling about.)
Me: Hey Mom.
Mom: How are you?
Me (sighing): Fine, what's up?
Mom: Well, you know, I'm cleaning the house, getting ready to sell it.
Me: (distracted by the giant bong being passed by me): Uh huh.
Mom: I'm going through your room, putting things in boxes.
Me: 'Kay.
Mom: Do you want to keep all these vinyl records?
Me: Yes, for sure.
Mom: How about all these back issues of Spin magazine?
Me: You can toss them. Oh but keep the one with that has Kurt and Courtney and their daughter on the cover.
Mom: Who?
Me: Forget it, just...keep them all.
Mom: Ok. And what would you like me to do with your grass?
Me: My what?
Mom: Your grass.
Me: Like...the lawn? What the hell are you talking about?
Mom: I'm talking about the bag of grass that I found underneath all your old clothes in your dresser drawer.
(The longest pause in the history of pauses happens here. Grass...in my dresser...what the fuck...oh my God...Oh my God...they called weed "grass" in the 60s...oh my God...she means weed...she found my weed...oh my God...wait....I'm 1500 miles away.)
Me: Um...you can throw it away...?
Mom: Ok. I'll do that.
Me: Ok.
(pause)
Mom: Bye.
(Click)
Okay, so, like a stalker, I already commented on your Easter blog, but because Easter is a huge event in my home, I'm sitting here reading through your various posts, continuing to laugh my ass off on some and others gave me tears.
ReplyDeleteThis one, I have to say, again, I found HYSTERICALLY funny. After reading it, I had to share.
While away at college, I got one of those little notices in my dorm mailbox that I had a package at the post office. I even owed money, like less than a dollar. I had no clue what it could be. But I went to the post office to pick it up, I paid the thirty-some cents and picked up the envelope...it was from my mother. It was all taped up with scotch tape. I had no clue what she could possibly mail to me.
In my excitement I opened it at the post office, pulled out the the contents and unwrapped them...then with my arms outstretched, I held the contents up high in the air and stared...I was confused, shocked, but not surprised. Then I realized folks were staring, so I shoved the item back in the envelope.
She sent me...a pair of my underwear? Apparently, I left them at home on my last visit (only about 3 1/2 hours away). Why would she send me ONE pair of my own underwear. I found out when she called to be sure I got the "very important" package.
When I asked why she mailed them to me, she said, "I thought you may need them." I guess she thought I was really hard up for undies.
Anyway, you made me laugh. Thanks.