Please Stop Trying to Sell My Vagina Things

Dear EVERYBODY:

Please stop trying to entice my vagina with your bullshit products.

I think most women would agree: our vaginas are doing JUST FINE. Once it's vagina time, rest assured, we will make our purchase quietly and based entirely on our personal needs.

That said, please stop trying to convince me that the following products are awesome:

1. Summer's Eve. First of all, soap is fine, thanks. I do not need to spend an extra $5 on a "gentle vaginal cleanser." My vagina is not fragile. Also, "Summer's Eve"? Really? Yes, because when I think about the level of cleanliness my vagina possesses, I think of a warm summer evening. Who the fuck came up with that?

2. "Cool" tampons. Tampons are inherently not cool. Some things are just not able to achieve hip and trendy status, like PowerPoint presentations, taxes and yes, tampons. I would like to add here that packaging your allegedly cool tampons in NEON COLORS does not inspire confidence. Rather, my vagina is wary of anything that glows in the dark entering its space.

3. Douche. Really? I mean, people still buy that? There's a reason assholes are referred to as "douchebags." I'm just sayin....

4. KY jellies and creams, as well as any condom, that markets itself as "for her pleasure." Listen...by now, we all know how this works. No amount of artificial lubricant or odd shaped condoms is going to do your job for you, dude. Any woman who buys these products in the hopes of "getting back that spark" is really just spending way too much dough on a short night of disappointment.

5. Vaginal odor blockers. I wish I had been in the room where the meeting took place where the ad executives decided that the best way to artistically capture a particularly stanky day was to show a woman seeing a reflection of herself wearing a gray hooded sweatshirt, looking like her dog just got hit by a car right in front of her. Or the woman hanging out with her friends who suddenly gets an unexpected whiff of her own vagina and turns away, embarrassed. Have you ever been out with the girls having cosmos when suddenly Carol looks horrified, gathers her purse and says, "You guys, I'm sorry, I have to go, my vagina reeks"? NEITHER HAVE I. And furthermore, if it's that bad, might I suggest a trip to the gyno rather than a trip to Walgreens.

6. Any menstruation product that markets itself using women wearing white pants. And I promise I'm almost done. But any woman who has a brain does not wear white pants or skirts when she is on the rag. It's just a fundamental no no. And while I appreciate that she is out dancing with her boyfriend in her white pants with that devil-may-care attitude, we all know that the day before, she was holed up in her room with cramps, diarrhea and a copy of The Notebook.

In conclusion, while I enjoy your hilarious commercials, you will never own me.