This is why you're an asshole

I realize that I have my period, but when I scrolled through Facebook this morning and came across a picture of Rhianna with the hilarious caption: “We fell in love when he punched my face”…oh, oh my God, I’m sorry; I just shit myself laughing again. Yeah, no, actually, words cannot describe how done I am with this.

First of all, I’d like to address this issue of posting and reposting pictures with captions. Some of them are indeed funny, and yes, I’ve reposted a few. But stop. Just stop. Put that shit on Pinterest. I’m tired of looking at it.

Also, let’s be real: the Internet is a free, open area for people of all nations to expose how truly ridiculous they are. I can’t quite remember but I think it was better before we had a vehicle for our passive aggression. But then again, if it weren’t for the Internet, I would not have the opportunity to tell you how amazingly stupid you are.

Yep. I’m judging the shit out of you for thinking it’s hilarious to make jokes about the fact that Chris Brown beat the crap out of Rhianna. There’s really nothing you can do about it, except offer something vastly unintelligent and offensive in the comments section from the confines of your Mom’s basement. There’s also nothing I can do about you and your twisted idea of what’s funny. This is the Internet; it’s a fucking free-for-all.

You know when domestic violence is hilarious? Never. Know when it’s really not hilarious? When it happens to someone you love. Know when it’s fucking devastating? When someone that you love dies at the hands of their abuser. The National Network to End Domestic Violence did a 24-hour census of domestic violence shelters and services to capture a snapshot of what’s really happening out there.  In one day, 3 men committed suicide; one after murdering his wife, one after attempting to murder his girlfriend and one during a police standoff while holding his partner hostage. 3 women were murdered by their intimate partners. 36 babies were born to women living in domestic violence shelters. Over 70,000 people sought domestic violence services all over the country. That’s a lot of fucking people.
Maybe your sister was one of them. Maybe I should take her picture and create a hilarious meme which I will then post to Facebook. Oh, what? That’s not ok? You don’t want me to do that? OF COURSE YOU DON’T.

I’d like to leave you with a stark reminder of what you’re laughing at: the police report from the night Chris Brown beat Rhianna. I’d like to thank my good friend Maya for reminding me just how brutal and real this is. Enjoy.

“Brown was driving a vehicle with Robyn F. as the front passenger on an unknown street in Los Angeles. Robyn F. picked up Brown’s cellular phone and observed a three-page text message from a woman who Brown had a previous sexual relationship with.
“A verbal argument ensued and Brown pulled the vehicle over on an unknown street, reached over Robyn F. with his right hand, opened the car door and attempted to force her out. Brown was unable to force Robyn F. out of the vehicle because she was wearing a seat belt. When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against the passenger window of the vehicle, causing an approximate one-inch raised circular contusion.

“Robyn F. turned to face Brown and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then drove away in the vehicle and continued to punch her in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand. The assault caused Robyn F.’s mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle.

“Brown looked at Robyn F. and stated, ‘I’m going to beat the sh– out of you when we get home! You wait and see!’

” The detective said “Robyn F.” then used her cell phone to call her personal assistant Jennifer Rosales, who did not answer.

“Robyn F. pretended to talk to her and stated, ‘I’m on my way home. Make sure the police are there when I get there.’ After Robyn F. faked the call, Brown looked at her and stated, ‘You just did the stupidest thing ever! Now I’m really going to kill you!’

“Brown resumed punching Robyn F. and she interlocked her fingers behind her head and brought her elbows forward to protect her face. She then bent over at the waist, placing her elbows and face near her lap in [an] attempt to protect her face and head from the barrage of punches being levied upon her by Brown.

“Brown continued to punch Robyn F. on her left arm and hand, causing her to suffer a contusion on her left triceps (sic) that was approximately two inches in diameter and numerous contusions on her left hand.

“Robyn F. then attempted to send a text message to her other personal assistant, Melissa Ford. Brown snatched the cellular telephone out of her hand and threw it out of the window onto an unknown street.

“Brown continued driving and Robyn F. observed his cellular telephone sitting in his lap. She picked up the cellular telephone with her left hand and before she could make a call he placed her in a head lock with his right hand and continued to drive the vehicle with his left hand.

“Brown pulled Robyn F. close to him and bit her on her left ear. She was able to feel the vehicle swerving from right to left as Brown sped away. He stopped the vehicle in front of 333 North June Street and Robyn F. turned off the car, removed the key from the ignition and sat on it.

“Brown did not know what she did with the key and began punching her in the face and arms. He then placed her in a head lock positioning the front of her throat between his bicep and forearm. Brown began applying pressure to Robyn F.’s left and right carotid arteries, causing her to be unable to breathe and she began to lose consciousness.

“She reached up with her left hand and began attempting to gouge his eyes in an attempt to free herself. Brown bit her left ring and middle fingers and then released her. While Brown continued to punch her, she turned around and placed her back against the passenger door. She brought her knees to her chest, placed her feet against Brown’s body and began pushing him away. Brown continued to punch her on the legs and feet, causing several contusions.

“Robyn F. began screaming for help and Brown exited the vehicle and walked away. A resident in the neighborhood heard Robyn F.’s plea for help and called 911, causing a police response. An investigation was conducted and Robyn F. was issued a Domestic Violence Emergency Protective Order.”

Sara Raspberry, Public Relations

Hi there! Sara Raspberry, public relations. Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with me this afternoon! You’ve got a beautiful office, Mr. Jones. Oh – ok, Glenn. Haha! Boy, how about this weather we’re having? It’s been…just nuts, right? You never know if it’s going to rain or…what! Seriously! I’m like, just what the heck is going on, anyway? Hahahaha!

Is that a picture of your family? Well, your children are just adorable. You must be so proud. How old are they? Oh, my…I just love the name Dakota. It’s so...it’s breathtaking. I went to the Black Hills once and it was…it was, you know…just beautiful. Your daughter is a lucky girl to have such a…such an inspiring name. And how did you come up with your son’s name? Oh! Oh, that’s great. I’ve actually never read The Hobbit.

Ok, so. I suppose I should tell you a bit about why I’m here. First, just for some background…I went to Northwestern where I majored in journalism – go Wildcats. Haha! Graduated top of my class in 2005, and went on to get my Masters in communications management from USC. Public relations is, you know, a really diverse field. I find that I have a lot of opportunities to…you know, meet a lot of people and see what’s really going on out there. It’s been just…great to work with so many amazing organizations over the years. So…yeah! That’s a bit about me. Just so you have some background.

So…the reason I’m here today, Glenn, is because I represent an organization that would really like to partner with you on the construction of the new pediatric cancer center at this hospital. My clients feel really good about…you know, creating that special place for children struggling with cancer to…get well, and, and have a place to really…relax and get the proper care. This hospital has a stellar reputation, and the organization I represent would very much like to create a partnership that could help…bolster their reputation in the community.

Of course, a significant monetary contribution would be made. We understand that Saint Stephen’s has run into some financial difficulties with this project, which, in these economic times, is pretty much par for the course, right? Yeah! So we’d like to offer our financial assistance, which would benefit you and the construction of the pediatric cancer wing, as well as help us as we begin to forge some community partnerships.

Now, I’m not going to mince words, Glenn; my clients have had some difficulties over the years. Unfortunately, there has been a lot of misrepresentation of this organization in the media. A lot of activities and events have been…twisted and misinterpreted. The truth is who are we to judge? You know? I mean, people in glass houses…right? My clients have been erroneously labeled as trouble makers and we’d like to educate the community. We think partnering with Saint Stephen’s is the perfect way to get that started.

Yes, I’ll get to that in a minute, Glenn. But first, I’d like to tell you that sometimes, we hear a brand…or, we hear the name of a brand…you know? And we automatically think of certain words or phrases that go along with that brand. For example…when I hear 'S.E. Johnson', I think 'a family company.' Or when I hear 'McDonald’s', I think 'I’m lovin’ it.' Those are just a few examples of some of the brands that really speak to us, as Americans. But what about when a company or an organization gets associated with negative things over the years, through the actions of a few bad apples? Is that fair? Should the organization be judged based on the media’s relentless smearing of their good name? I don’t think so. I think companies like Enron and Chi Chi’s Restaurants were good, solid companies. But a few minor mistakes and the manipulation of those minor incidents eventually ran them out of business. It’s that kind of mob mentality that my clients have faced for decades. I think that you, being CEO of Saint Stephen’s Hospital, understand what persecution really is.

Do you know much about the patron saint of stonemasons? I didn’t. I’ll admit, I haven’t been to church since my 1^st communion, haha! But when my clients were looking for an organization to partner with, I did my research, Glenn.

I understand that, and I really appreciate you taking the time to meet with me. But I really think this is important. After all, this hospital is a tribute to Saint Stephen who was stoned to death because the enemies of The Church of Jesus lied, and said he had spoken sinfully against God. But, in truth, Saint Stephen was simply stating his beliefs. He believed that God was the one and true Holy Father, just as my clients believe that the white race is superior to other races.

Just a minute, Glenn; hear me out. Are my client The Imperial Klans of America? Yes. Should we rush to judgement? No. And here’s why. Glenn, if you’ll just let me…ok, Mr. Jones; if you’ll give me two more minutes of your time, I’ll explain why this partnership could work. Yes, my clients have a checkered past. Yes, they do. But if people would open their minds, they’d see an organization that cares about people. They do! They genuinely care about white people all over this country. We understand that your pediatric cancer wing will indeed admit non-white children and you know what? We’re ok with that. Because we don’t hate anyone, Mr. Jones. Cancer affects us all. Our past shouldn’t be a factor in our commitment to end pediatric cancer. The Adopt-A-Highway people didn’t believe we want to clean up litter on our highways, but we do. We want to help people, Mr. Jones.

I really…I really just don’t think that’s relevant. You’re talking about an incident that occurred nearly 50 years ago. How do the murders of civil rights activists allegedly committed by my clients impact their desire to bring an end to childhood cancer? I just don’t see the correlation, Mr. Jones. Ok…ok, there’s no need for that, sir. I’ll leave on my own. But before I go, I’d like to leave you with the words of Saint Stephen himself: ‘Which one of the Prophets did your fathers not persecute, and they killed the ones who prophesied the coming of the Just One, of whom now, too, you have become betrayers and murderers.’

Thank you for your time, Mr. Jones. Here’s my card; you’ll see that I also do some freelance party planning. So if you ever need a hand in that arena, just give me a call.