I used to have a MySpace account, you know, back when everyone did because there was no Facebook yet. Nowadays, the only time you hear about people having MySpace accounts is when someone kills their parents. Those people always have MySpace accounts. I think that’s pretty telling, don’t you?
Anyway, I started dating this guy named Chris who was a musician and that’s pretty much where the interesting part ends. Oh, and he had red hair which I find very sexy. I do not know why and everyone has their own things they’re attracted to, so that’s fine if you think it’s weird because that just means there are more ginger dudes for me.
So we’re hanging out one day and he asks me, “Why does your MySpace status say ‘single’?”
I just stared at him. I hadn’t given it a thought, really. I changed my mood on a daily basis; some days I was “frisky”, others I was “satisfied.” But according to MySpace I was also “single” which, apparently, was all that mattered.
I mumbled something about “it’s just MySpace” and “who cares” and then suggested we go to White Castle because I knew that chicken rings would trump anything else on his mind. Nevertheless, a belly full of chicken rings later, I logged in to MySpace and updated my relationship status to “In a relationship.” I sat back and looked at my profile. Nothing had changed; I didn’t look any happier or prettier in my profile picture. I didn’t suddenly have more friends. I was just “in a relationship” and that was fine.
A few days later, I logged in and clicked on my boyfriend’s profile, presumably to post an emoticon that blows kisses to his page. That’s when I saw his relationship status had been updated…to “SINGLE.” I flew into panic mode. What does this mean?! Did we break up? I was pretty sure we hadn’t because he and his Hefty bags full of shit were still in my apartment since he’d come off the road from a tour 3 weeks ago. I grabbed my cell phone and texted him.
“WHY IS YOUR STATUS ON MYPACE SINGLE?????”
His reply was something along the lines of “Huh?” Thus began a text message argument about how I had changed my status because he wanted me to and I don’t appreciate him changing his status like that and he didn’t know what the big deal was and I needed to calm down.
“Well fuck you, then”, I said out loud to no one. Then I promptly changed my status to “single.”
Five minutes later, I received a text message that said, “Oh so you’re breaking up with me now?”
This went on and on for the entirety of our relationship. Technology became a weapon. If I was mad at him, I’d change my status to single, or I’d delete all the soccer games he’d saved on my DVR, later claiming, “Sometimes the DVR does that.” His relationship status was updated randomly and I couldn’t figure it out but I took it very personally. Chris had an unusually large number of female MySpace friends, all of them with profile pictures taken with their camera pointing downward, straight into their cleavage, their thin lips covered in gloss and jutting out like they were auditioning for a fluffer position. I hated these cyber girls. One of them posted some Coldplay lyrics on his page and I flipped out. I think we actually broke up over that one for, like, 3 hours. Meanwhile, every time I left my phone unattended, I’d find him looking through my text messages and call log. Once he even accused me of giving him Chlamydia…via text message.
It was a very healthy relationship.
Turns out, I was one of three girlfriends and he was changing his relationship status based on who he happened to be fighting with at the time. I have no idea who gave him Chlamydia because it wasn’t me, and neither of the other two would cop to it. All I know is, I never got it, which is a good thing for him because I can tolerate a certain amount of ridiculousness from a man; just don’t mess with my business. Or my money.
From that relationship on, I have kept all my romantic relationships—dysfunctional or not—off the internet. Several boyfriends, one whom I lived with for 9 months, have come and gone, with no accolades from me on my Facebook page. My last relationship almost…almost made it to Facebook Relationship Status Glory. But I had a feeling he wasn’t worthy of a selection from that drop down menu. I was correct.
There are a lot of reasons why I think the relationship status quagmire is best left untouched.
a. You might break up. I mean, you won’t break up; I’m speaking hypothetically. While your relationship will undoubtedly last forever (in a Marky Mark carving “For Evah” on his chest kind of way), most relationships come to a close, with or without Hefty bags being thrown on to the front lawn. Sometimes, it’s quiet and cordial. Until you edit your profile. The minute you select “single” and save changes, the girl you were best friends with in 6th grade and haven’t spoken to since will post a big “OMG WHAT HAPPENED?????” comment and so it begins. Messages, wall posts, text messages...everyone wants to know what happened. And it’s nobody’s business. People are only asking so they can talk about it with other people. “Did you know that he slept with her cousin? Yes! Her cousin! Of course, she said they broke up because they want different things right now, but…really? He totally fucked her cousin, I bet.”
b. No one wants to witness your Facebook fight. Over the course of my life, I have been given certain pieces of advice about relationships, one of which was, “Don’t bring other people into your drama.” But in a day and age when people post status updates about the giant shit they took, chances are, you will, at some point, broadcast your drama to your 437 friends. For example, you catch your girlfriend in some sort of lie and decide you’re breaking up with her. You freak out and post a string of status updates to your wall:
1:37am: JESSICA BARNEY IS A SLUT!!!!!
1:41am: How could you do this to me???? Whore! I fucking gave you EVERYTHING!!!!!!!
1:43am: Who’s going to pay your Nordstrom bill now, slut???? I fucking HATE YOU!
2:02am: I can’t believe I bought you a ring.
2:11am: Whore
9:38am: Headed to iHop with Jess! Then Dave Matthews alllllll weekend!!
This is a summary of an actual Facebook meltdown that an old boyfriend of mine had. This happened quite frequently; his page would be littered with bitter, capitalized accusations and her page would be covered in cryptic, sad status updates, like, “My whole world is falling apart”, and “I should just end it all now.” Now, I knew that this particular young man was prone to emotional outbursts but goddammit; my parents got divorced when I was 8 so I wouldn’t have to listen to their fighting anymore. I do not wish to be subjected to yours. And you can go ahead and delete all the horrible things you said about your significant other but we still saw what you wrote. Yeah…all 437 of us. We all saw what you wrote.
c. You’re gonna get all gross about it. Being in a relationship is fun. There are a lot of things that happen in relationships that only you and your significant other are privy to: when you’re laying in bed, talking baby talk to each other; when you text your boyfriend that he won Most Huggable in the Iowa caucuses; the fact that your nick name for your girlfriend is schmoopie poopie. These things should remain between the two of you. But, again…here we are in a time when it’s ok to post a full length video of your vagina giving birth on your Facebook wall. Eventually, you will start posting things like hearts and smiley faces…then it will evolve into “love you” and “miss you”…eventually landing somewhere around, “I can’t wait to see my honey bear tonight!! I’m counting the hours till I get to cuddle with my wuddle! <3” Suddenly, people who used to think of you as a normal, intelligent individual will begin to believe you’ve lost your mind. And you have. And that’s ok. Just keep it to yourself.
d. You might think it’s ok to set your relationship status to “It’s Complicated” or create a joint Facebook page with your spouse. Let’s start with “It’s Complicated.” I got news for ya—every relationship is complicated in one way or another. By telling us “It’s complicated”, you’re telling us that your shit is really complicated, and, chances are, we don't want to know. It doesn’t matter what the reason is; when I see someone’s Facebook relationship status set to “It’s Complicated”, I immediately say, “Draaaaaaaaaama.”
Those couples who decide to create joint Facebook pages are definitely, without question, the worst. Unless there is a solid reason for this—like, you’re using a joint Facebook page in lieu of a website for your wedding (really? does your wedding need its own website?), or you’re doing a fundraiser of some kind—then it’s just pure insanity. On these pages, you get generic, shiny status updates. “Tim-n-Stacey are going to Home Depot! New lawnmower today!” “Tim-n-Stacey are super excited for the weekend!” “Tim-n-Stacey got new iPhones!” Tim-n-Stacey are assholes. When you got married or partnered, did you leave you behind entirely? Do you have to share absolutely everything? That’s a one way ticket to “Tim-n-Stacey have killed each other.”
Honestly, I’d rather introduce a heavily tattooed, mumble mouthed unemployed dude to my father and my grandfather than introduce him to Facebook. But don't get me wrong--I totally believe in love (most days). I just don't believe in Facebook love.
